What's upppp
yoyoyo its ClaireZ in da HOUSE. I got L rizz cuz im such a fandom tax ohio mom.
What's upppp? I'm Claire Zulkey and I'm such a bad mom. I make my son, Paul, go to bed so early just for fun. Evil, right? I also make sure to give him gross stuff with vegetables for dinner so he will be mad. I never let him eat candy! Not even on his birthday!
My younger son, James, on the other hand, is my precious baby. I give him all the candy he wants whenever he wants. I also let him go to bed at midnight, just because I love him so much. James is my favorite child, even though Paul is stronger, faster, and way more handsome.
Did I also mention phones? Oh yeah, Paul doesn't have a phone yet even though he totally deserves one. I mean, he is so mature. But I don't care! I'm such a bad mom and I will get him a phone in high school for all I care. It'll probably be a dumb phone like one of these:
Oh but my baby Jamesie! I will get him the latest iPhone when he turns ten! I'll make sure It has TikTok, (which I would never let Paul have) Snapchat (that too), and obviously Instagram.
I feel like I’ve talked way too much about Paul not enough about almighty glorious ruler James the First Second Born. Before James was born, Paul was the favorite. He would lift 400 pound weights, fight lions, and save innocent people from robberies (he still does that to this day, but who cares? Not me!) But then James showed up. He was a chubby, loud, boring baby. Unlike Paul, he could never dunk a basketball or drive an F1 car at 3 months old. But, he’s the younger sibling, so he is obviously my favorite. When James turned 2 years old, I got him a dog. But PAUL got greedy and that little brat tried to pet the dog. And you know what I did there right on the spot? I yelled at him so hard and didn’t let him eat dinner for five days. That's what you get for trying to touch dear James’ dog.
Anyway I have to go soon to tell Paul more reasons why things he thinks are cool/funny/interesting are probably bad. But before I go let me leave you with a few of my bad mom parenting tips:
Make sure to give your kids cereals like Cheerios and Corn Flakes for breakfast, and not the ones they love, like Lucky Charms and Fruit Loops.
Make your kid get ready for bed two hours and thirty minutes before they go to bed.
If your kid asks you for a pet, just give them some dirty laundry and tell them to “take care of it”
Kids these days HATE books. That's why they are a perfect birthday present.
If your kid has a friend coming over, let them engage in fun activities such as:
Giving you a massage
Ironing the clothes
Watch TV: but screen free; The clock is the new TV!
Snack time! Kids enjoy beetroots and lentils (Kids LOVE em straight from the garden)
Play hide and seek: to try to find your lost items, like the missing TV remote and your missing airpod.
Meanly yours,
Definitely Claire Zulkey
(Not her son Paul)
End credits
Hope you enjoyed this April Fool’s edition of the Evil Witches newsletter indeed written by the person who made me a witch. If you’d like to read some non-pranky early April issues some past ones from the archives have covered:
Being a Delia*s girl in an Eileen Fischer body
Things you probably didn’t need permission to do but here is the permission anyway
Passive aggressive meals we make for our spouses when we’re mad at them
If you enjoyed these issues/want to support the work and get the perks paid subscribers get (extra content, members only threads, free premium placement in the classified issue—new issue coming this month!) become a paid subscriber. I’ll use the money to buy James a new toy that Paul can look at but not touch.
One witchy thing
The most attractive baby photo we have of Paul:
The clock is the new TV!
Excellent job Paul! If you start a Substack I will definitely sign up my 11 y.o. and it will be the only thing I let him read on his dumbphone while I let his little sisters make TikToks and eat all the Lucky Charms.