Should I put my poo in the mail?
What the colonoscopy-age divas are talking about. Plus: A book giveaway
Last year I learned that I’m of age to get a colonoscopy; my doctor told me due to my medical history I qualified to do Cologuard (where you send a sample of your poop in the mail for testing) rather than come in for a full colonoscopy.
I couldn’t decide which to do; avoiding the hassle of setting up/attending an appointment sounded good, but so did the drugs from a full test. Who else could I trust with this decision besides witches? Their input is below.
But first…
Need summer reading? Witches got you covered
Some good news, in a world of bad news, is that a lot of witches are enjoying the professional and personal excitement of publishing books this month. Here are a few to check out this summer, in addition to
’s book which I ran on AMA on recently:Fan Favorite by
. When decidedly unhappy Edie Pepper DMs her way onto a reality TV dating show, she’s going to realize love isn’t so easily won. (Chicago: Come celebrate Adrienne in person next week in a Q&A with the delightful Jeremy Owens at the iconic Book Cellar! RSVP requested.)
- . A funny and insightful memoir about Priyanka’s search for home, from Kashmir to England to Saudi Arabia to Michigan to Rome and, finally, to Los Angeles—standalone essays that together form a sweeping portrait of a peripatetic life. Out now in paperback.
- . The tradwife murder mystery we’ve all been waiting for: An explosive thriller about two estranged friends, a grisly murder, a sudden disappearance, and the truly shocking revelation that everyone is lying to you about something.
AND I’m doing a li’l giveaway to celebrate these releases. I’m giving away two copies each of Adrienne and Kate McKean’s books and one of Priyanka’s: first come, first serve in the comments get them!
Now, back to butts 🍑
Q: Should I shit in a box or do a colonoscopy?
Witches answers:
“If you’re going to do it, do the actual accurate one — if the Cologuard comes back with anything, you’re just gonna have to do the proper one anyway. It’s not that bad! The nap at the hospital under a warm blanket was not the worst. Although they also knocked me out for mine, and did an endoscopy while they were there. My husband had his under twilight anesthesia, and even though he doesn’t remember it, I was like, WHAT, NO.”
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“I have colonoscopies and endoscopies annually because of my autoimmune disease, which causes IBD and Ulcerative Colitis. Do the real deal colonoscopy with low volume prep. It’s really not that bad - plan ahead and keep a bathroom to yourself. It also helps to eat softer foods in the days leading up to your prep.”
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“I thought the prep day was a nightmare, but I think I got the wrong stuff for that (it was like a gallon of cold salty water, and I had to chug half of it in the middle of the night). But I truly believe in the full colonoscopy - I had a polyp that was caught, and several friends of mine are on shortened schedules going forward, for similar issues. I would do it.”
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“I personally love a day of diarrhea.”
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“The drugs are better with a colonoscopy. I woke up in the middle of mine and I’m not kidding when I say I thought it was very funny when I saw the inside of my colon onscreen. It looked like a worm you’d see in Dune!”
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“The key with the regular colonoscopy is scheduling it in the late morning/early afternoon so that you don't have to be up in the middle of the night to drink the solution. Also, I found out after the fact that you can request ‘low volume’ preparation for the drink. Honestly, the hardest thing is how much you have to pour down your gullet (it helps to have a non-gross clear liquid as a chaser to the medicine, even though that increases the overall volume you are chugging.)”
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“I feel like no matter how they time the prep, you’re dealing with it all night. I might invest in a bidet before the next one. The prep sucks, but a colonoscopy can actually stop cancer. So do it. I’m another person with polyps on a shortened schedule. (Don’t get me started on the mammogram industrial complex.)”
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“It really isn’t that bad, and at one point, I did the research, and a colonoscopy is better — preventative v. I believe Cologuard detects cancer already present. I, too am one who has polyps removed before they become cancer. I have 2 friends living with colon cancer — go for the Cadillac of screenings. You’re worth it. And twilight is kinda fun.”
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“Follow the soft diet schedule and it is not that bad, really. Schedule for like 11 am so you do not have to wake up at 3 to drink the stuff. I did not find the taste nearly as offensive as I was led to believe it would be. Also, check out online coupons from the manufacturer for the more expensive prep to make it less expensive. Mine was like $100 even with insurance, but the manufacturer had a coupon for ‘pay no more than 50,’ so that was something.”
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“My son had a colonoscopy a couple of months ago and the prep for kids involves Miralax mixed with Gatorade, and they get to drink it over four hours. I thought that sounded great, relatively speaking, and I asked my GI if I can prep that way this fall because it just tastes like Gatorade. He said yes! And when I mentioned I get nauseated during prep, he sent in a prescription for Zofran. I’m high risk, so if I’m allowed to do it this way, y’all probably will be able to too.”
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“Definitely colonoscopy with low volume prep, chilled and mixed. And have copious amounts of Aquaphor or butt paste available- it’s like hot liquid shooting out by the end. I’m having my next one at the end of June. The post-anesthesia nap and food make all the horrors of the prep worthwhile!”
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“I actually got the pills instead of the drink for the colonoscopy prep. It was bad, but I have heard it was better than the drink.”
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“My friend’s husband is a GI. He recently did his and just for fun he swallowed a single frozen pea after his prep was…..finished. His team did find the gift and found it amusing. GI docs are a strange group for sure!”
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“Haven’t done it yet but the GI docs say to add the prep to Crystal Light and chill it to make it more palatable. Also, after my husband had his he called me and said ‘They made me lie on my side on the table and stick my ass out and I felt like Marilyn Monroe’ so hopefully that image is helpful to you.”
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“I JUST had a colonoscopy. Here are my details:
-One polyp was found and removed, so I’m very glad I went this route instead of Cologuard.
-The low-volume prep was still disgusting, but sounds like it’s way better than the alternative. I chilled it, used a straw, and sucked on gummy bears in between. Everyone left me alone, and I watched a great movie; it could have been worse.
-Using diaper wipes was nice.
-Definitely talk with your doc about what time to schedule the procedure. I had to be at the hospital at 8 am, and originally they were going to have me drink the second dose at 2 am (it takes about 3 hours to drink it and finish all the... results). Then a nurse told me I could start earlier. So I took it at 10 pm and went to bed at 1 am.
-The actual procedure was a piece of cake. In the hospital for exactly 2 hours, completely knocked out for the procedure. I kind of loved the rest of the day because I was tired and took a three-hour nap. I then slept like a corpse last night for nine hours, so satisfying. Was told not to work or drive a car, so I had an iron-clad excuse to do nothing all day.”
End credits
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One witchy thing
A tip from a witch who has figured out how to make time for her summer reading:
It really is something that women have to suffer planned diarrhea and anesthesia come down to have an excuse to relax and be left alone 😭 I’m a new mom and I’m already looking forward to a colonoscopy lol
Unfortunately, I have colon cancer history on both sides of my family (this is from generations of women swallowing their misery), so I am an every 5-year candidate. Mailing it may be convenient, but I would not trust it.
I stopped drinking and such 25 years ago, so it's been a while since I have been in an "altered" state. After my last colonoscopy, I was so high from the anesthesia that I drunk called and texted a bunch of relatives and friends. Those VMs haunt me to this day.