You can be a witch and still want to throw your kid a fun birthday party

First, housekeeping: I am still tinkering with Ghost and just now figured out how to include a "like" button on these emails for those of you who missed that functionality from Substack. No pressure. Just there if you like to click it. Please don't click the thumbs-down button unless you want to hurt me personally.

At our house, likely at yours too, MayCember has come hard for us. This year it's taken to the extreme by having a child in 8th grade at a school that thinks 8th grade should be celebrated a lot all year, but especially in May. This also happens to be the birth month of several of my family members, including my ten-year-old. To his credit, he has requested the exact same pool party that we've held for him the last five years. At least one May thing is simple (especially now that I have someone to help me with the handful of logistics it entails).

The party is pretty stress-free. The rec center gives you two tidy hours. One is in the pool (where there are 3 lifeguards, a water slide, a whirlpool and a zero depth area so swimmers of all levels can hang out.) Kids play for an hour while I do not get in the pool. Then the kids dress themselves, and a staffer guides you to a basic party room where they've already set up tables and chairs, and the kids eat kid food and goof around for a very long hour til the parents come. Often this crew ends up forming a conga line out of nowhere, which is kinda great.

Per my son's request, we just invite the boys in his grade (plus his older brother, who gets a plus-one), which makes me happy because while all the boys are changing in the locker room, I can have a tiny vacation. In lieu of a goodie bag we have given the guests a comic book on the way out. I did not put "no gifts" on the Evite this year despite me saying "no gifts" in the past! I'm being a softie because the big brother is getting so much fanfare for his graduation, so, this time little bro can receive 180 gifts instead of merely 168.

That "no gifts" conversation with Edith Zimmerman inspired several witches to ask for or share birthday party philosophies: to exchange rules and tricks for celebrating your child in a way that they will enjoy, but also factors in your own parental time, energy, level of shits, etc. Here are some of your child party observations, tips and hills you will die on:

My kid is 7, and something I’ve been grateful for is when invites are clear on what parents should do during the party. “Parents can stay or drop off” goes a long way. (I definitely forgot to add this to our latest invite!)

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My birthday tip is this note: "No gifts necessary, but if you'd like, you can contribute $5 to Alma's savings goal."

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For a couple years, I was giving $10 bills in a card, and I felt like a genius! I'm certainly happier to have my kids get cash for their birthday than a bunch of plastic we don't have space for. (that sounds incredibly bratty and ungrateful, which is true, but we were basically living in a sea of plastic toys for a while there.) then the kids got bigger and we upped it to $20 and now I kind of wonder what the upper limit is?

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In preschool and early elementary we made our kids have Toonie parties ($2 coin in Canada) where we ask for no gifts, but if guests want they can bring 2 Toonies - 1 for charity and 1 for the birthday kid to put towards a toy they really want.

It felt like a multi-win because we weren’t having to deal with a bunch of crap gifts, busy and broke parents weren’t having to spend time and money to get said crap gifts, the chosen charity benefited and the birthday kid got to learn budgeting and shopping skills. I thought it worked with wonderfully until my kids got older and pined over the piles of gifts that they saw their friends get, and refused to continue Toonie parties.

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Definitely drop off, as soon as humanely possible. I certainly don’t need the extra responsibility of having to entertain/feed (now this is my own issue about being a good hostess of course but) judgey parents in addition to everything else. Please, I beg of you, drop them off and just get out of my hair…unless you are a friend I like and will help me.

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No to goodie bags. Waste of money, time, carbon emissions. As a parent I did not appreciate my kids coming home with more plastic fantastic junk. Kids need to learn to give a gift graciously and to delight in the giving, without expecting their own “gift” in exchange. I guess I sound like a real hardass. Oh well!

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I also do the absolute least for my kids birthday parties, like, have it at a park from 2-4p so I don't have to have any food other than the cake, basically no decorations. So saying "no gifts" is like, an admission of what we are exchanging here. I have not earned your $15. 

Honestly what would be amazing would be able to gather up the $15 each family gives and be able to put it towards something bigger or more meaningful. Like, my daughter got two guinea pigs from us for her 7th birthday. She would have loved to have a little slush fund to buy them stuff. I have thought so long and hard about doing this but there is no simple way to be like, please give her a $10 bill, and you can't really set up a gift registry for a 7 year old without seeming insane.

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Drop-off parties are the best, unless you're supervising. I think age 5/6 is fine for dropping off. We struggle with invites because we have a lot of little cousins and family friends with little kids and if we invited everyone plus the classmates we’d end up with a guest list of 50. 

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My twins and my son are less than a year apart so they all in the same class. It was hard to exclude anyone when they were younger. I would invite everyone because every kid was someone’s BFF. Now they are a mature 10 & 9 (lol) they understand why smaller can be better.

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We have a neighbor who has the ultimate hack and if I could get my shit together I’d do something similar. He does some research into cool gift ideas for (insert age of whatever age his kid/their friends are turning that year) and then buys the same present in bulk and just has it ready to go for each party.

One year, this mom got my daughter a Caboodle full of cute little hair clips, a pair of sunglasses, and some lip smackers and it may have been the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever seen. She still uses it to this day and I am forever chasing trying to curate a gift that cool.

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My kids are 3 and 6 so in pre-school. Usually the whole class is invited to birthday parties and parents always stay, so they are catered accordingly (Italy, so the food is always pretty good). Siblings are always welcome. As the school year progresses and parents get to know each other we start having more and more joint parties, which is a blessing because it reduces the number of parties we have to go to.

There is a brilliant system where everyone chips in 5€, one parent collects the money, (usually via paypal) and then we coordinate with the birthday child's parents to get them something they want/like/need. Often it's a toy and then maybe a gift voucher with the remainder. It also means they can get a bigger item they actually want, like a go-pro camera. I cannot stress the brilliance of this. I receive a party invitation on whatsapp, send 5€ and do not have to think any more about the present. Even when it's my turn to get the present it's just a matter of counting the number of participants, ordering whatever was requested and wrapping it. Genius. 

Unfortunately, party bags are a must. Some children will not leave until they get one. I'm not saying my kids fall into this category, but it does help to have an incentive to get them into the car.

Presents are always opened at the party and they even have a chant to go along with it "scarta la carta" (rip off the paper). 

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1000% Team No Gifts. I hate the glut of plastic junk. We live in SF so it's a space issue for most people. My kids wants for nothing and get plenty of gifts from relatives. Also I never want to put another chore on another witch’s plate. Caveat—books always ok. 

Any water theme is a winner. We have also rented a pool on Swimply and did a cabana at a water park. Winter birthdays we love the vintage arcade at Fisherman’s Wharf. We have also rented out a small movie theater which is great for a larger group. 

Oh one more: I will tell your kid not to do something they are not supposed to. I expect the same for mine. Don't come tell me, tell them!

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Honorable mention to a cheap/fun stocking stuffer this year that would probably entertain kids of all ages. I’m buying one for my dad because he liked it so much. [ Note from CZ: We also have one of these and it is mesmerizing!]

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I'm anti-party favors (because.... shit in my house) but another mom found these cute chalks that were in the shape of donuts and each kid got one of those little donut chalks for a party favor - loved this. Wasn't plastic, was a toy they could play with at home - thought it was very cute.

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My gift bag hack is: put out empty gift bags and have the kids fill them with: our USED/NEGLECTED STUFFED ANIMALS! One kid took five! Take as many as you like! The kids love it and I love foisting my unwanted junk on other households.

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Birthday party tip: never do a piñata. Starts with the fear that someone’s going to get hit with the stick/bat, ends with a lord of the flies frenzy for candy and at least one kid crying.

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One witchy thing

A friend and I were commiserating over the concept of what "sexting" with your spouse looks like when you have kids/aging parents, work and are perimenopausal: