Diamonds for men who hate women

no red flags here

In Chicagoland if you drive to the airport you see three main types of billboards: for casinos, for men’s hair restoration, and for Steven Singer jewelers. Maybe you have these in your area. They have the phrase “I hate Steven Singer!” scrawled in the type of handwriting my kid used when expressing his feelings about mosquitos:

I have to admit that it’s an effective campaign because it led me to look up the story behind the billboards. Here’s what the Steven Singer website says:

Why all the hate for our man Steven? It all started more than twenty years ago when a guy proposed to his girlfriend with a gorgeous diamond engagement ring he bought from Steven Singer Jewelers. Naturally, she said yes. Twenty years later, he buys her another Steven Singer diamond ring to celebrate their 20th Anniversary. She was so excited, she gave her husband an even better present right back (wink, wink).

Exactly nine months later, the couple walks through the door to show Steven their new baby. The wife proclaimed “I love Steven Singer!” The man responded “Here we go again. We’re up all night with feedings and diaper changes. I HATE STEVEN SINGER!” So there you go. The story of why men hate Steven Singer. And why women love him and his beautiful diamonds!

OK, first of all, do not blame Steven Singer for the fact that you, a man in his 40’s or older (I presume, given the timeline), do not know about birth control. That’s on you. I presume the lady in this scenario is a hell of a good sport if she was like “Let’s go show the man who sold my husband the diamond I screwed him for the baby that came from the screw” and then relives the day every time she drives to the airport.

But I find it funny that companies employ a sales technique of “We know you hate this, guys, but you know—women” when selling diamonds. There is a radio commercial running for Helzberg jewelers here catering to guys who would rather think about hockey than buying an engagement ring (they’ve done a version of this during the Super Bowl, too.) The demographic here is guys who are so reluctant to have a family that they need to be advertised to.

Other companies that involve families and women should totally pursue this method of catering to dudes who need dude language to guide them through the pain in the ass of married heterosexual life:

“It’s Valentine’s Day, so buy your lady Fannie Mae chocolate because she’s probably PMSing anyway. But not too much chocolate, because, well, you know. [makes fattening noises]”

“You know how you want to watch the big game but your fiancee is all like ‘blah blah blah’? Come to Nordstrom where you can sit on a couch and watch our flatscreen TVs while our associates will dress you in your wedding tuxedo without you having to stand up or even make eye contact.”

“Lurie Children’s Hospital, for when the baby your wife wanted is sick. The nurses change the diapers so you have more time to look at your phone.”

“This goes out to the guys out there who’d rather think about hot wings than their family’s life insurance. We get it. Come to State Farm by Wing Stop. While you’re crushing some spicy wangs with a side of cool creamy ranch, we’ll draw up your family’s life insurance papers. Then if your woman dies on you, you can buy something cool like a black car with a red interior. And more wings! Make life insurance easy. And spicy.”

“Funeral homes for men. Now with massaging reclining chairs and IPA on tap. Condolences, dude!”

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One witchy thing