12 seductively scalable staircases

11 clutch-able carving knives on a low table

10 tip-able teeny paper cups of red wine 

9 chatty childless people asking how he's sleeping

8 oily hors d'oeuvres that'll come back up later

7 daddies dj-ing at a volume that prevents napping

6 nosy nanas looking on with disapproval

5 vacationing babysitters!

4 stylish sweaters your toddler will use like Kleenex

3 French mums parenting "the French way"

2 endlessly rescheduled Skype dates with your sister

...and a toddler spreading his germs!

Merry Christmas to all!

Amelia Granger is hard at work on a memoir about becoming a mom. Her writing has appeared in Succubus Magazine, the Guardian and Popula. She has a 13-month-old who walks like a drunkard, and is married to a social butterfly who drags her to too many parties. Follow her here on Twitter.

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I hope you enjoyed this subscribers-only issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers and who definitely check email on Christmas. Please pass it along, if you know someone who'd like this sort of thing a few times a week. If you’re interested in writing a guest post like this one, have any general questions or have a suggested topic you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us on Instagram and talk to us on Twitter here. If you are really grateful that Witches has been publishing this week, buy a subscription for a pal for “the holidays” which goes until at least early January—i.e., it’s not too late.

One witchy thing