THERE IS A SQUIRREL IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!?!?
Adulting.
If today’s topic doesn’t apply to you today, it probably will some day. Top tips:
“Oh god. This happened to me when I was a teenager home alone! I used a broom to shoo it out of an open door. And I screamed a LOT.”
“OMG, call Rose. They were good to us with our [Chicago] building's rat problem. (800)GOT-PESTS.”
“My mom once caught a chipmunk in a pillowcase. My uncle had a hacksaw. I was cowering in the corner.”
“Get out the vacuum cleaner and scare it. I had one in my house a while back and that’s what I did.”
“We had a bat upstate when my daughter was like four weeks old and I freaked the FUCK OUT and made my husband get it out. We Googled how to do it and basically got it to fly back out the door but it was horrible.”
“This happened to our family when I was a kid, except it was a chipmunk. My mom, who is not an animal person AT ALL completely lost her mind. She barricaded the part of the house where it was and let it terrorize her for three days. She tried a few humane things, then glue traps, and then hulked out and killed one of them with a shovel. We laugh about this story in our family, but it's actually pretty fucking dark. It's very Midwestern--too frugal to call an exterminator, descent into helplessness followed by unexpected brutality. Lesson is, call for help! Before you turn into a Coen brothers movie!”
“I had this problem this winter and had to call the Critter Detectives. Usually there is not just one squirrel but a family 🙁”
“We had this happen with a chipmunk once. We flushed it into one room that had an open window, then closed the door and let nature take its course. Good luck! Fuck you, squirrel!”
“honestly just get out and burn your house down”
End credits
I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers (and also occasionally people who do not like rodents in their living space). If you’re interested in writing a guest post, have a suggested topic or have any general questions or you can reply right to this newsletter. You can also follow us on Instagram and have witchy conversations on Twitter too.
One witchy thing
Incidentally this question came from a witch, not me but I'm sure it will be me soon enough because like an idiot I sometimes leave peanuts out for a chipmunk that comes by our patio and I'm sure one day he will want to come find the peanut payload.