The 4 stages of receiving a Summersalt catalog

Who you calling "confident"? Plus--a chat thread for all!

This is another in an unintended series about the shit that gets marketed to us.

1. Offense

Excuse me, Summersalt Swimwear, but I think you have me confused with somebody else. How dare you assume that I am the type of person who would fall prey to a catalog that claims to sell flattering swimwear for “every body.” What gives you the right to assume that I am going to see myself in a catalog in which the majority of the models identify as a mother, or “strong” or “a good friend” or “positive”? Why do you think I am interested in celebrating all bodies? How did I give you the impression that I will be inspired by women of various sizes, or women with tattoos, or women with disabilities? Do you think I am not going to be disgusted by stretch marks? Why do I see gray hair and breastfeeding in my swimsuit catalog???

How dare you. Flattering cuts are for losers and slimming optical illusion patterns are for people who shouldn’t even be in public. LOL like why even make a bikini bottom that goes above the belly button? I have the kind of body where I can grab a swimsuit off the rack at a beach souvenir shop and it always looks good. I’m the kind of hot summer girl who can trade flimsy bikini tops with my friends and they always look flawless on our nubile breasts and unlumpy waists. I want swimsuits in neon or white or with crazy cutouts or with chains attached or that show my underboob on purpose or that only cover my areolae and the very middle of my labia and are modeled by women who look like Jenners or friends and family thereof. I am never going to have a baby and if I do it’s going to be a scheduled C-section because ew. Women who wear swimsuits with flattering ruffles on them should go sit in the baby pool where they belong so I don’t have to look at them.

2. Paranoia

How did I get on this list? Was it the Peruvian Connection pants? The Lands End sensibly cut tank top? The period panties? The comfortable sandals? I have been giving away too much.

2. Dissatisfaction

Actually, the inclusive swimline catalog does not go far enough. For all the so-called mothers in this catalog and “real” women, I count about four cellulite dimples and zero veins. We won’t truly be free to be “confident” until catalogs aren’t afraid of showing women with imperfect bikini lines, ashy skin and old bruises. And you can’t fool me with your Maye Musk. Her having silver hair doesn’t negate the fact that she has been a model for 50 years and that she is the progenitor of Elon. Where is the model that speaks to me, who proudly says “I am a newsletter writer who sometimes gets breakouts in weird places, whose leg hair grows in four different directions, and whose dog has an infected smelly ear”?

3. Questioning

Is there a dude version of Summersalt? Is there swimwear for men who proudly identify as dads and good friends and creatives? Do older men and “brave” men receive a catalog that frees them to have fun in the sun without worrying so much about their slackening pecs, graying chest hair and slowly lengthening testicles? I hope so!

4. Shopping

I turn it to you, the reader (all readers, not just paid subscribers!)—sincerely, have you had a good experience with Summersalt, or any swimsuit brand or store for that matter? Let us know in the comments if you’ve had a positive recent swimsuit shopping brand, and if there was a particular cut or style you were in the market for.

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End credits

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. If you got a kick out this newsletter and haven’t yet, please consider supporting this independent, nonsponsored work and joining the subscription level, which gives you extra context and access to fun members-only honest witchy discussion threads talking about things like storebought cookies, longstanding grudges, and practical gifts. Some upcoming topics for the newsletter include how to advocate for better pay/working conditions when you work an hourly/service job, getting dads to read parenting books, security advice from a former FBI witch, how much moms of young kids need to worry about when they encounter porn online, and things our daycares have been mad at us for.

If you have already subscribed, thank you. If you have any questions, feedback, or suggestions for the newsletter you can reply right to this email. You can follow us on Instagram here and talk to other witches on Twitter, too. Thanks to you guys for shout outs!

🔭Elsa VMSD @ideospire

We do not have leadership at the top valuing the generation of the species "Instead, what we get is this made-up cultural war between women who identify as moms and women who identify as workers when the reality is that most of us are in both camps." TRUTH @TheEvilWitches <3

Colleen A.F. @arnoldfa614

I have been laughing & crying & sometimes laugh/crying over @TheEvilWitches free newsletter for like years, constantly forwarding to the moms in my life and today I finally subscribed -don’t know why I waited so long!! Thanks @Zulkey for making me feel SEEN - support creators!

Jennifer L.W. Fink @jlwf

This part! -- " in the US, there is this almost cultural disregard for mothers." Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. The U.S. *talks* a lot about the value of mothers, but sure doesn't back it up

Evil Witches @TheEvilWitches

Today I speak with Jenny Pritchett, AKA Jenny True, about her perfectly-named new book about early parenthood, You Look Tired. It's a very witchy combo of funny, honest, angry and secretly in love with our kids. https://t.co/1t6RUhHrd0

If you read all the way to here and still feel like reading stuff here is an essay I published earlier this week on Popula about drinking culture and kids.

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One witchy thing