Next pandemic I will....
Let's do better, ladies
I’ll preface today’s edition that if you’re not yet a paid subscriber of this newsletter, you miss out on content like Tuesday’s issue where I talked about feeling good about how my 8 year old interpreted my at-home leg wax. So if you want to read that piece do this!
Anyway, my coronavirus beard-but-on-my-legs-and-in-my armpits was on my mind when the phrase “Next pandemic, I will…” popped into my head, a joke I sometimes use at work these days (“Next pandemic, I’ll be more organized!”) The more I thought about it, I realized that next time we pandeme, I think I’d invest in laser hair removal. And also maybe convince my husband into taking some classes on at-home massage.
In the spirit if self-improvement, I asked some other witches to fill in the blank:
Next pandemic, I will…
“Install a pool in our backyard.”
“Build out a beautiful covered patio living area with a fireplace and kitchen.”
“Build a series of tiny houses for my parents and various friends so we can all be a germ-pod.”
“Be childless and finish my novel.”
“Take a vacation beforehand.”
“Install a handwashing station right inside the door(s).”
“Get an au pair.”
“Buy a pallet of Skinny Pop.”
“If I don't have to live in my actual life or location, move to a house with a finished basement and a yard. So I can send my kid somewhere to play that is not my living/dining room.”
“Hoard cans of Fresca, which is inexplicably hard to find right now.”
“Buy way more comfy, but ‘appropriate for Zoom’ work clothes. Does anyone make a ‘yoga blazer’? Because I'm looking for a blazer that is basically a sweatshirt.”
“Build a shed for work conference calls that locks from the inside and has flattering lighting or, at minimum, reconfigure the guest bedroom into a more robust office.”
“Move in with my sister, who loves to cook and play with my daughter.”
“Move to a house with a yard and stock a deep freezer with pizza puffs, egg rolls, mozzarella sticks, and crab Rangoon.”
“Install a bidet. Or one of those fancy Japanese washing/drying toilets that sings to you.
“Just give in to the urge to panic-buy Purell because it is still hard to come by around me.”
“Visit a legal state to stock up on edibles. This state by state bullshit is so annoying.”
“Have a very prolific avocado tree.”
“Confirm bubble friends with compatible family/friends to have an immediate circle of people to interact with besides the ones I live with.”
“Move move move move move.”
“Drop the kids off at my parents before lockdown kicks in. Oops! Guess we can't pick them up for another 14 days, byeeee!”
“Not have a third kid? Kidding, sort of.”
“Professionally color my grays.”
“Next time I will buy antibacterial hand wipes, have an office for both me and my husband , and have a room where my kids can yell at their friends while playing video games and I don’t have to listen to them.”
“Make sure that we have extra chargers for every device, and headphones for every family member.
“Get out of journalism first.”
End credits
Thanks for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers of all kinds of people. If you're interested in possibly submitting or have any general questions just shoot us an email. If you know someone who'd like this sort of thing in their inbox about once or twice a week, please spread the word. You can follow us via Instagram or Twitter. Favor: D/t pandemic, this newsletter makes up a bigger portion of my income than it did in the past. If you don’t mind, if you like this newsletter enough to spare a moment of your time, please shout it out on Twitter, if you like it or think you might one day like it or even once liked it. Thanks!
One witchy thing
