I hung up on my mother once this summer. I’d never done that before. My husband and I were agonizing over what to do about school starting again, whether or not it would be safe to send the children in to the kids’ in-person school. She and my dad opined that we should send them in, and I couldn’t help but think that they were following political beliefs (nobody in my family has any medical background.) On a phone call, I said something along the lines of “We are doing the best we can and we feel terrible every day—can you respect our decision-making, please?” She said “OK, but first I want to send you an article from the Wall Street Journal about why it’s safe to send kids in to school.” Click.

Another time I got real touchy with a senior over quarantine-time parenting was with Miss Manners. Actual Miss Manners.

I enjoy Miss Manners (AKA Judith Martin) —I was raised in a very manners-forward household (thank you notes, table manners, never calling a grownup by their first name) and she also has a witty, spicy voice. When I heard my local bookstore was doing a Zoom interview with her I booked a spot and submitted a question that was on my mind about my 8 year old’s handling of a knife and fork, which can confound my husband and me. I’ve realized that it’s actually hard to teach a kid how to use a knife and fork, as you learn a “proper” way at first and then adapt it over time to your own method. And it’s really hard to teach a child a thing at the end of the day when you’re exhausted and hungry and scattered. So I typed a question in the chat box asking Miss Manners what she thought and knew about virtual dining etiquette classes during the pandemic.

I loved the author interview but did not get the answer I’d hoped for on the Zoom Q&A. After the bookstore owner read the question to her, Miss Manners said something along the lines of, “The best way to teach a child is to set an example at home. Is this family eating meals together? I’d think the parents would be the best teachers in this situation. Is the child learning to sit at a table and eat a family meal? If the parents are modeling this, then over time they should learn, from their parents, the correct way to hold a knife and fork.”

Well, I did not feel “seen.” I felt stupid for suggesting that I’m trying to outsource (or Outschool) my parenting. I felt let down by Miss Manners. What did she know? I was probably stupid for expecting her to validate me and help me out. Whatever. Click.

Except I couldn’t let it go! Like my mom, I didn’t think Miss Manners appreciated what was going on at home and in our minds. After a reasonable amount of time trying to put it out of my head (probably about 50 minutes) I found the email form on her website and sent off what I hoped was a very polite rebuttal:

Dear Ms. Manners:

I really enjoyed the call with Ina Pinkney via Bookends and Beginnings. I appreciate you taking my question about teaching kids table manners virtually.

There was an element to your answer I felt slightly defensive about and I wanted to reach out because you raised some interesting points and I felt compelled to share my perspective as a working parent of young kids in 2020 as you promote your new book and talk about this new age we're in.

My boys are 5 and 8. Aside from a few meals brought in I've made nearly every meal for my kids since March 13 or so.  Do my husband and I show them the importance of dining together, no screens at the table, not getting up randomly, saying please and thank you? Yes, actually. So in some ways your answer, that we should be teaching them at home while we're all together, made me realize we're doing better than I fear.

However! I maintain that yes, actually, for things like the technical aspects of teaching children table manners, like how to hold and use a fork, remembering left from right, remembering how to use a napkin, *are* skills maybe a professional can engage a child in the way a professional swimming teacher can teach my kid to swim better than I can even though I have been swimming my whole life.  Someone who hasn't spent the last three months with my kids, feeding them, cleaning up with them, entertaining them, worrying about them, trying to work, is probably better at the particulars. Someone besides me can make it fun to learn and will probably teach them at a time of day when they're not cranky and hungry. I realize not everyone can outsource everything but I still have hopes we can improve.

But, your answer made me think about what's important right now and so perhaps I am not going to worry about how my third grader eats his spaghetti when he goes back to school so much as feel glad that he's had the practice of staying in his seat and talking to people this whole time.

Thanks for your time and good luck with the new book!

Sincerely,

Claire Zulkey
Evanston, IL

To my surprise, but not really, because I don’t think Miss Manners would leave someone hanging, she wrote back. She wrote back as a human Judith Martin, not lofty Miss Manners:

Dear Ms. Zulkey,
I had after thoughts about this, too. I thought, “If she is worried about the children’s manners, I’m sure she is already teaching them— but maybe is just a little impatient —as what parent is not?— about how long it takes. It would be nice to have a quick fix, but these are habits that take time and repetition. And you are undoubtedly as knowledgable about table manners as any “professional.” So I apologize that it sounded as if you weren’t already doing the job.
Sincerely yours,
Judith Martin

It’s pathetic how badly I needed that little acknowledgement, that tiny apology. But hearing an older person say “You’re doing your job the best you can” meant so much, particularly a 180° from a senior.

Some moms I follow on Twitter have discussed the Monday morning quarterbacking and concerned texts and advice clippings they’ve received from their kids’ grandparents. What was a good laugh over Goofy Grandma So-and-So before COVID now turns into flaming hot rage on the moms’ behalf. Support only please! Empathy, food, and nice long Zoom calls for the grandkids are also good. Any other input should be kept in the vault. It’s infuriating to hear we’re not doing pandemic parenting right, but also too exhausting and sad to be mad *and* scared for older folks during these terrifying times.

Have you gotten unwelcome feedback on how you could be parenting better from someone who hasn’t been around kids much since the spring? And how did *that* go?

~Claire

End credits

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