As of today both my parents are fully vaccinated. There’s no vax on the horizon for me yet but I’m fine with holding on until July 4 or whenever my turn is. I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself but I have put together a schedule of events for how I’d like to spend my time once I’m in the clear:

July 4 — Hug my parents and brother for the first time in over a year. Cry, watch fireworks, cry some more.

July 5— Drop children off at parents’ house for four-week sleepover

July 6—Go to friends’ house; get sloppy

July 7-17 Sit in quiet house; commence going out for every single meal

July 18-21 Clean house without somebody messing it up immediately afterward

July 22-24 Cleaning lady comes over; tip her 5000%

July 25 Eyebrow shaping appointment

July 26 Big group feminist dance meetup

July 27 Massage appointment

July 28 In person gym class

July 29 Another massage

July 30 Commence laser removal of the body hair I got most tired of looking at during lockdown

July 31 Carpet cleaners come over

Aug 1 Facial, pedicure

Aug 2 Remember to get back to work; enjoy working at coffee shop/library

Aug 3 Window washers come over

Aug 4 Get tattoo in honor of surviving the pandemic

Aug 5 Attend baseball game with family

Aug 6-16 “Like” everybody’s post-pandemic hugging photos

Aug 17-25 Trip with spouse to local spa resort

Aug 26 One more massage appointment

Aug 27 Go to guitar class in person and sing with people

Aug 28-Sept 5 Trip with girlfriends

Sept 6 Host a party for the entire neighborhood and all friends in back yard

Sept 7 Mammogram

Sept 8 Dentist appointment

Sept 9 Kids’ dentist appointment

Sept 10 Skin check and facial laser treatment

Sept 11 Hair cut

Sept 12 Huge ecstatic outdoor concert

Sept 13 Attend a wedding, doesn’t matter whose

Sept 14 Leisurely trip to Trader Joe’s

Sept 15 Leisurely trip to Nordstrom beauty counter

Sept 16-23 Leisurely trip to the Caribbean

September 24-27 Drive around hugging people I haven’t gotten around to hugging yet; continue not cooking or washing dishes

Sept 28 Look at post-COVID bills

Sept 29 Look for new, higher-paying job

Sept 30 Happily begin to forget all the important lessons learned from the pandemic

End credits

I hope you enjoyed this issue of Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. What do you have on your post-COVID schedule? If you have any questions, feedback, or suggestions for the newsletter you can reply right to this email. You can follow us on Instagram here and talk to other witches on Twitter, too. If you like this newsletter please give it a shout on social media and if you’ve been thinking about switching from the free to the paid subscription to get bonus content and discussion threads, it’s $30 for a year, less than you probably spend on [perfectly innocuous thing that you require for pleasure that you still feel ashamed for purchasing because of the PATRIARCHY!]

One witchy thing