I once had a boss who taught me to see the word "just" as a red flag, so anytime you hear someone say "Oh it will just take X weeks" or "You just need to try X" you know this person does not get how real life works. I haven't worked with her for over 10 years, but I still think about this pretty much every day! 🤪
yep! I was proud of myself a few years ago for telling a client that I wasn't going to lower my price on a job because he said it would take a long time but would be easy. Um easy or hard it's still my time bud!
so true, Heidi! I think this about writing projects all the time--if I think, I need to *just* buckle down and knock out a draft, that usually means . . . there's a lot more work to do, and I'm dragging my feet.
you know it's a good idea when the WSJ comments section is very harrumphy about it (this article came out after I reached out to Faye--I don't get my ideas from the WSJ!)
I love this for you! It’s interesting how people feel about different tasks. I find admin tasks the worst and would much rather be changing a diaper or taking care of a newborn than talking on the phone or managing a Doodle. But because of my control issues I don’t think I could let someone else pick my dinner reservations. It also seems like a lot of back and forth? With yet another person. Or is she just like “you are eating here” full stop?
I’m interested in a more physical admin. Not necessarily childcare but an occasional pick up/drop off, going to the Post Office, light organizing, etc. A Jack of All Errands if that’s a thing. I find my problem is I can’t physically be in enough places.
Tangentially- is there a post about your relationship with the Catholic Church? I think you’re in the parochial school and you mentioned a confirmation. Do you pay for the school? And if you do, do you feel weird about giving them money? Does your son want to get confirmed?
Something that was fun about the restaurant-finding is that my husband is kind of picky--I said "If you can find a place where we can get a reservation and that serves either hamburgers or tacos we'll be good" and she found us the cutest place and adding that little bit enhanced our night out instead of just driving downtown and back (also we had gone to a wake that evening earlier in the day so we really needed some downtime.)
re: Catholicism good question--I might make it a members only topic. My dad is quite Catholic and it means a lot to him (our kids are at least the third, probably more gen of kids to go to Catholic school in my family.) My friends who are like me who were raised Catholic joke about how much more we are Cafeteria Catholics than the ones who are recent converts. It definitely helps that we are in a liberal town where they are way more about social justice in the parishes here (compared to parishes not far away that, for instance, wouldn't allow girl altar servers!) More later but my son isn't dragging his feet about confirmation but he (like I did) is also going to a public high school next year.) We talk about how it's a family/culture thing and he can make his own decisions when he's a bit older.
Also here for the Catholic discussion. We fairly recently moved over to the Catholic church (my husband was a lifelong Methodist but the church we were attending was moving in a direction we didn't agree with, to put it tactfully) and that's been a whole thing, but has also been wonderful! Very diverse, community oriented, etc. Our son is going through confirmation classes now, too.
My dad was such a cradle Catholic in a way that made me resent a lot of it but I guess not enough that I pass on some of the obligations to my kid. But I like to think we don't do the guilt trip stuff as bad. Remind me to talk about my younger son (the ADHD one!) who is more of a holy roller and we've had to tell him he's not allowed to say grace if he's going to say it so passive aggressively.
Thanks for this thoughtful reply. I know so many “recovering Catholics” who still send their kids to the schools. It seems hard to recover if you are participating? I think all the Irish novels have made me extra skeptical on Catholicism. And The Thorn Birds, of course. Would love a more nuanced discussion!
yes! More soon but I think often of a friend of mine who is a witch who teaches theology and is a feminist/progressive. I’ve asked her why she stays and she stays to cause good trouble. I don’t know that I’m doing that per se but I like that POV.
Also I can’t leave the church when we have a White Sox pope ;)
Chiming in to say that I would like to read this, too, as a very similar visitor to the cafeteria with the most annoyingly Catholic in-laws. And also, The Thorn Birds is the best thing about Catholicism! :)
I used to pine for the physical/neighborhood helper, too - and for a handful of years managed to have a babysitter-type person (somehow never a babysitter) run errands for me two mornings a month or so. I also tried a thing where I had someone cook a few meals at a time Friday afternoons for us to eat later. The problem encountered with all of the above is that the very adept people get snatched up by jobs with more hours to offer or they graduate from whatever life stage they’re in that makes sense for them to do super part-time work (I had three ppl from occupational therapy school in a row). Some ppl wouldn’t show or cancel, which was annoying bc I’d have spent time organizing all the neighborhood errands to happen that one day.
Now I have a very part-time virtual personal assistant who I met through a friend. (Who used to work with her IRL) I should probably send her more tasks, but the ones she does really help. I frequently ask her to look into a thing and send me 3 choices. She books rental cars for travel, enters all the SW confirmation codes in the calendar, orders books. A professor in grad school said getting a PhD was like being pecked to death by one hundred ducks. Any one duck is not threatening and in this case feels too easy/quick to outsource. But now that we have a relationship and I can type one email and see it pop up later on a calendar without further effort from me, that’s bandwidth for me to keep! All to myself!
Really glad to read about this experience. Thanks, Claire!
oh wow!!! how many families do you support? Sometimes I want to ask Erin how our schedule/obligation list stacks up to the other families she helps but I don’t know if I would be flattered or insulted if she said we were pretty low key.
I got a DM from a marketing honcho at Faye and passed this Q on to her and she said:
We do! We're a small team so we don't have a gifting page yet (and were just discussing this morning whether we needed one!) This person can email us at support@findfaye.com and we will coordinate the purchase.
And I thought I had upped my game by sneaking out of “closing the kitchen” in the evening to do some admin tasks. Because why have 2 of us wash dishes together so I can go figure out finances/lunches/appointments/play dates while you go work on your bicycle?
You have blown my mind with this. I have been raw dogging solo parenting and full time work when my husband travels for work and the increasing reminders, requests, spond notifications, and this may be the help I need.
Oh my god you DO. Also it has helped me relax in terms of thinking 'ahead' all the time with a panic which is a paradox when everything (days off school, bad weather days, broken shit at home, kid illnesses) conspires against you
I am super fascinated by all of this, but also totally overwhelmed by the idea of attempting to download everything in my head about my kids and what we need to a stranger so they can do it for me almost feels… harder? And I know that’s the pain point to begin and then theoretically it helps, but still feels like a lot. I loved reading about it though and I’m happy for you!
I get it! That’s how I feel/felt about going about getting a sitter or driver or something. The maternal reality/curse of “it’s just easier if I do it!!”.
I would never have considered this as an option but I think it may be time.
This week I found myself getting really frustrated with my oldest and my husband because they were trying to fix her trumpet and in doing so broke more things on it. I realized my frustration stemmed from it being "one more thing for me to deal with that I do not have time for", thankfully my husband took charge of getting it fixed (which honestly is as it should be since he's the one who made it worse) but it was a reminder for me that I shouldn't have to take everything on.
Being the default parent and getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of emails/messages/action items begging for your attention is exhausting.
I hope you think about it! I don't know about you but I have over the years gotten into this stupid habit of emailing myself reminders, and then I shuffle around the reminder to various places and I feel overwhelmed. It's so great to just shoot a reminder off to a whole other email inbox I don't monitor. And I don't have to include context. Sometimes it's just "more school shit!" or "Football again!!"
Just back here to say thank you for changing my life for the second time. I signed up for Faye and am so so so happy to have done so. As a family (my husband and I both use) we've lightened our mental load. I owe it to you! The first time you changed my life was with your post on traumatic c sections. Reading others experiences was so cathartic for me. I'll be a forever subscriber/ follower / fan. Plus you always give me a good chuckle :)
I once had a boss who taught me to see the word "just" as a red flag, so anytime you hear someone say "Oh it will just take X weeks" or "You just need to try X" you know this person does not get how real life works. I haven't worked with her for over 10 years, but I still think about this pretty much every day! 🤪
yep! I was proud of myself a few years ago for telling a client that I wasn't going to lower my price on a job because he said it would take a long time but would be easy. Um easy or hard it's still my time bud!
Also a lot of those jobs are only easy if you are bringing a lot of experience to them—which we should get paid for! 🙃
so true, Heidi! I think this about writing projects all the time--if I think, I need to *just* buckle down and knock out a draft, that usually means . . . there's a lot more work to do, and I'm dragging my feet.
That “just” is probably even worse when we do it to ourselves. 🤦♀️
The key is to always berate yourself into doing better ;)
The way I read this with a fluttery feeling in my tummy that I was being naughty shows just how much I neeeed this
ooh Dacy be bad. take the plunge.
you know it's a good idea when the WSJ comments section is very harrumphy about it (this article came out after I reached out to Faye--I don't get my ideas from the WSJ!)
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/careers/the-boss-move-for-ordinary-workers-hiring-your-own-executive-assistant-c84d9550?st=B9DXg7&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink
I love this for you! It’s interesting how people feel about different tasks. I find admin tasks the worst and would much rather be changing a diaper or taking care of a newborn than talking on the phone or managing a Doodle. But because of my control issues I don’t think I could let someone else pick my dinner reservations. It also seems like a lot of back and forth? With yet another person. Or is she just like “you are eating here” full stop?
I’m interested in a more physical admin. Not necessarily childcare but an occasional pick up/drop off, going to the Post Office, light organizing, etc. A Jack of All Errands if that’s a thing. I find my problem is I can’t physically be in enough places.
Tangentially- is there a post about your relationship with the Catholic Church? I think you’re in the parochial school and you mentioned a confirmation. Do you pay for the school? And if you do, do you feel weird about giving them money? Does your son want to get confirmed?
Something that was fun about the restaurant-finding is that my husband is kind of picky--I said "If you can find a place where we can get a reservation and that serves either hamburgers or tacos we'll be good" and she found us the cutest place and adding that little bit enhanced our night out instead of just driving downtown and back (also we had gone to a wake that evening earlier in the day so we really needed some downtime.)
re: Catholicism good question--I might make it a members only topic. My dad is quite Catholic and it means a lot to him (our kids are at least the third, probably more gen of kids to go to Catholic school in my family.) My friends who are like me who were raised Catholic joke about how much more we are Cafeteria Catholics than the ones who are recent converts. It definitely helps that we are in a liberal town where they are way more about social justice in the parishes here (compared to parishes not far away that, for instance, wouldn't allow girl altar servers!) More later but my son isn't dragging his feet about confirmation but he (like I did) is also going to a public high school next year.) We talk about how it's a family/culture thing and he can make his own decisions when he's a bit older.
Also here for the Catholic discussion. We fairly recently moved over to the Catholic church (my husband was a lifelong Methodist but the church we were attending was moving in a direction we didn't agree with, to put it tactfully) and that's been a whole thing, but has also been wonderful! Very diverse, community oriented, etc. Our son is going through confirmation classes now, too.
My dad was such a cradle Catholic in a way that made me resent a lot of it but I guess not enough that I pass on some of the obligations to my kid. But I like to think we don't do the guilt trip stuff as bad. Remind me to talk about my younger son (the ADHD one!) who is more of a holy roller and we've had to tell him he's not allowed to say grace if he's going to say it so passive aggressively.
Thanks for this thoughtful reply. I know so many “recovering Catholics” who still send their kids to the schools. It seems hard to recover if you are participating? I think all the Irish novels have made me extra skeptical on Catholicism. And The Thorn Birds, of course. Would love a more nuanced discussion!
yes! More soon but I think often of a friend of mine who is a witch who teaches theology and is a feminist/progressive. I’ve asked her why she stays and she stays to cause good trouble. I don’t know that I’m doing that per se but I like that POV.
Also I can’t leave the church when we have a White Sox pope ;)
Chiming in to say that I would like to read this, too, as a very similar visitor to the cafeteria with the most annoyingly Catholic in-laws. And also, The Thorn Birds is the best thing about Catholicism! :)
I used to pine for the physical/neighborhood helper, too - and for a handful of years managed to have a babysitter-type person (somehow never a babysitter) run errands for me two mornings a month or so. I also tried a thing where I had someone cook a few meals at a time Friday afternoons for us to eat later. The problem encountered with all of the above is that the very adept people get snatched up by jobs with more hours to offer or they graduate from whatever life stage they’re in that makes sense for them to do super part-time work (I had three ppl from occupational therapy school in a row). Some ppl wouldn’t show or cancel, which was annoying bc I’d have spent time organizing all the neighborhood errands to happen that one day.
Now I have a very part-time virtual personal assistant who I met through a friend. (Who used to work with her IRL) I should probably send her more tasks, but the ones she does really help. I frequently ask her to look into a thing and send me 3 choices. She books rental cars for travel, enters all the SW confirmation codes in the calendar, orders books. A professor in grad school said getting a PhD was like being pecked to death by one hundred ducks. Any one duck is not threatening and in this case feels too easy/quick to outsource. But now that we have a relationship and I can type one email and see it pop up later on a calendar without further effort from me, that’s bandwidth for me to keep! All to myself!
Really glad to read about this experience. Thanks, Claire!
that's awesome Kelly, I'm glad you have someone to fend off a few of the ducks!! The car rental thing is such a great example.
Hi! I'm an Evil Witch and a Faye Advisor, would love to help anyone out in need!
https://findfaye.com/a/samanthakopicko
oh wow!!! how many families do you support? Sometimes I want to ask Erin how our schedule/obligation list stacks up to the other families she helps but I don’t know if I would be flattered or insulted if she said we were pretty low key.
It's funny, each family can be very different on how they utilize the service! Right now i work with just a few :)
Hi do you have gift certificates? Seems like a great gift for the holidays!
I got a DM from a marketing honcho at Faye and passed this Q on to her and she said:
We do! We're a small team so we don't have a gifting page yet (and were just discussing this morning whether we needed one!) This person can email us at support@findfaye.com and we will coordinate the purchase.
Thanks Claire!
And I thought I had upped my game by sneaking out of “closing the kitchen” in the evening to do some admin tasks. Because why have 2 of us wash dishes together so I can go figure out finances/lunches/appointments/play dates while you go work on your bicycle?
This is a game changer.
I had a friend who did that kitchen thing and she made it sound so sensible but whenever I tried it I was like AAAAAAH I'M SO TIRED!!
Girl, you hired yourself a wife.
I respect her so much!
Honestly amazed she can do all that in only 4 hours a month
I know—and she supports I think 2 or 3 other families.
You have blown my mind with this. I have been raw dogging solo parenting and full time work when my husband travels for work and the increasing reminders, requests, spond notifications, and this may be the help I need.
Oh my god you DO. Also it has helped me relax in terms of thinking 'ahead' all the time with a panic which is a paradox when everything (days off school, bad weather days, broken shit at home, kid illnesses) conspires against you
I am super fascinated by all of this, but also totally overwhelmed by the idea of attempting to download everything in my head about my kids and what we need to a stranger so they can do it for me almost feels… harder? And I know that’s the pain point to begin and then theoretically it helps, but still feels like a lot. I loved reading about it though and I’m happy for you!
I get it! That’s how I feel/felt about going about getting a sitter or driver or something. The maternal reality/curse of “it’s just easier if I do it!!”.
I would never have considered this as an option but I think it may be time.
This week I found myself getting really frustrated with my oldest and my husband because they were trying to fix her trumpet and in doing so broke more things on it. I realized my frustration stemmed from it being "one more thing for me to deal with that I do not have time for", thankfully my husband took charge of getting it fixed (which honestly is as it should be since he's the one who made it worse) but it was a reminder for me that I shouldn't have to take everything on.
Being the default parent and getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of emails/messages/action items begging for your attention is exhausting.
I hope you think about it! I don't know about you but I have over the years gotten into this stupid habit of emailing myself reminders, and then I shuffle around the reminder to various places and I feel overwhelmed. It's so great to just shoot a reminder off to a whole other email inbox I don't monitor. And I don't have to include context. Sometimes it's just "more school shit!" or "Football again!!"
Just back here to say thank you for changing my life for the second time. I signed up for Faye and am so so so happy to have done so. As a family (my husband and I both use) we've lightened our mental load. I owe it to you! The first time you changed my life was with your post on traumatic c sections. Reading others experiences was so cathartic for me. I'll be a forever subscriber/ follower / fan. Plus you always give me a good chuckle :)
wow Gerri, thank you for the kind words!! I am so glad to spread the word that help is available and there’s no shame in opting for it.
Wait how did all of this only take her four hours?? It would take me a week.
it makes you wonder how efficiently you could be at other things if that one thing was your main job!
the fractured attention is going to get us all
this makes me so so happy for you, claire!
I did not anticipate people being so kindly happy for me but I'll take it!
Literally felt my blood pressure lowering as I read this. 🥹
ha! I'm so glad I put this out there. People need to know.
I've been reading for 4 years IT'S GOOD TIMES HERE FOLKS
well, it's times! ;) xo you
This was so great. Thank you
Thank YOU! I feel honestly like I would never get to the newsletter at this point if I didn’t have someone like her lately.