I got real and hired someone to manage my calendar / brain for me

And maybe you should too?

Compared to being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a newborn, dealing with rear-facing carseats, illnesses, potty training, and sleep training — the admin aspect of childrearing is fairly gentle.

But “fairly gentle” doesn’t mean easy. Running more than one person’s agenda involves focus, organization, strategy, and exactitude. There is a reason why people get paid well to be people’s executive assistants and don’t just do it as a hobby.

Looking back, when I left my day job to stay at home and work for myself, I was naive when I assumed it was feasible, even pleasant, to earn the salary I’d make outside the house, do most of the housework, and to simultaneously “be there” “if” there are childcare needs — without regular outside help. Even when my husband also worked from home.

I often wonder if I’d be much happier if we had regular paid childcare in the form of a nanny or au pair. But the idea of the cost, of paying someone while I stayed home, of actually putting in the effort to find someone and manage them, made me think it couldn’t be worth the tradeoff.

However, our family admin shit got so overwhelming the last few years that I accepted something that I have always suspected but became extra-clear: I can’t do this (or do it well, or do it happily) without more regular assistance.

The childcare ship has sailed, but I wondered if I could at least get some help with the part of our lives that revolves around making and setting plans, driving, checking sports apps, signing up for things, executing those things, and remembering things.

Again, it seemed like it shouldn’t be that hard, but it felt so overwhelming. First, I’d handle action-item tasks as soon as they popped up. Forget any sort of concentrated good work, let alone creative work. My brain felt like it was being split apart like so many hemp ropes in a Victorian British workhouse. Then I tried to be a little more organized and disciplined, saving all the admin work for the end of the day to do in front of the TV, but opening the calendar would instill a sense of dread and anxiety —even setting up social plans with friends felt like work.

If I could have anything, in addition to having a black hole to put all our family’s actual shit, I wished for a black hole where I’d just shove off any logistics-related emails and not have them be my problem.

I found out, this is possible!

I asked folks a while ago if there is such a service and got a few recommendations. I heard of a few options that were A.I.-enabled, but I felt strange turning over more of my life to some bots (and letting the robots know my whole life. It’s not their business!) The one that sounded best to me is a company Kathleen Donahoe recommended called Faye, which matches you with a family advisor to help you with your needs.

This summer, I reached out to the company and gave them the lowdown of what I needed, and within a day or two, they connected me with a family advisor (or personal assistant, or “calendar lady” as I sometimes call her) named Erin, who lives here in Chicago. We chatted on the phone a little bit so I could tell her where I could most use help.

Turns out that Erin has three little boys younger than my own! I asked her how she is able to stay on top of people’s shit like this, and she told me it’s easier for her to manage other people’s schedules and needs than her own. Relatable.

We did a soft launch of our new partnership the week before school started, so I could cross-check that the things I forwarded to Erin showed up on the family calendar (which she has access to. She also has access to some information like various passwords, but she can’t see them to use them independently of me.)

She didn’t drop a single ball, and after that first week, I stopped double-checking and we just got going.

Here are just a few ways Erin helps with our lives:

• I forward her every single email from school, sports, or church (my kid is getting confirmed this year, so there are a lot of emails about meetings and volunteer time) so that someone responsible reads it and picks out the action items we need to worry about. I forward these emails to her the second I get them and then read them later when I can.

• If school sends out a Signup Genius, she will get me on it and order things for me, like candy for my kid’s Halloween party or snacks for the school teacher lounge.

• She booked our COVID and flu shots.

• She sends us a ‘digest’ of things to keep in mind at the end of each week: what’s coming up, deadlines for me and the kids. I will sometimes say, “Please help me to remind my kid he has to finish his paper this weekend,” and she will.

• I gave her our insurance information, and she is going to help my husband find a new primary care physician.

• She tells me what days/times of the week look most promising to do grocery shopping and sends me some meal-planning ideas.

• When I need to schedule something like a work interview or a hangout with friends, I give her the restrictions (like how I’m in Central Standard Time but need to talk to someone in Dubai or I want to make plans with one friend who can only hang out after school and other friends who want to see our kids during the day) and she sends me several time slots.

• When she saw we had theater tickets a few weeks ago, she asked if we’d like to add dinner plans to the evening. She found a few restaurant options nearby based on our food preferences and made us a reservation.

• When I was buying wine for a school party, she advised me how many bottles to buy (so I didn’t over-/or underdo it) and a few suggestions of decent wines to get at the price point I sent her.

• Most thrillingly, she has created carpool schedules for us and our nearby friends, incorporating various bullshit like the days our pals need to be downtown early, how school starts/ends early on Wednesdays, and that the kids’ sports practices typically don’t take place at school/right after school.
  
  This, in particular, has made our lives so much better, my husband marveled, “I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner.” I know why. Because it’s a pain in the ass! And if I had dedicated my precious brain cells to figuring out an equitable and practical carpool, and anybody had criticized it, I would have been butthurt to hell.

Thanks to me finally getting some help, there is a happier vibe in the house now. I feel less like there’s another work shift coming up once the kids go to bed. I’m a little less cranky now that the pain of logistics is lessened, and as the old saying goes, when Mom’s Less Cranky, Everyone’s Less Cranky.

So, numbers: I pay $169 per month for Erin to give us four hours of her time, a rate I was grandfathered into since the rate now is $199 per month. I still think that is a pretty good deal, considering how much she has improved our family life and how seamless the onboarding process went. It’s not a huge discount, but if you witches are curious and want to try the service out for yourself, sign up with this link for 15% off your first month.

Maybe you don’t need help in this area. Maybe you are much sharper than I am and find the admin work kind of painless. But the way I naively thought I could just run the kids to the pediatrician on sick days, just throw in some laundry once in awhile, just run to the grocery store in the middle of the day (all while working! And even showering!) only to find myself a frog in a boiling pot of nervous breakdown, if you’re in some hot water yourself, you deserve someone to help you with the five full time jobs you’re juggling too.

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End credits

Thanks for reading Evil Witches, a newsletter for people who happen to be mothers. New here? Here’s what the newsletter is all about.

If you have any questions, feedback, or suggestions for future issues, you can reply directly to this email or leave them in the comments. Our Instagram, curated by Carly O., lives here, and the Evil Witches archives live here. A few past topics I think sum up our vibe include:

• Don’t let parenting weirdos tell you you shouldn’t want to get some sleep

• What can you really tell expectant first-time parents?

• What you can tell first-time grandparents

• Thanksgiving fights (and also the legend of fuck Thanksgiving)

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One witchy thing

Via longtime witch Claire Lovell 🏳️‍🌈 :