An ode to witchy stepmoms: the reprise

Put some respect on their names

Try not to barf, but election day in the United States is in two months. I know a lot of us are wondering what we can feasibly do to ensure that not only Trump/Vance¹ not reach office but that Dems have a decisive victory at federal and state levels.

One thing you can do if you haven’t yet is chip into the Evil Witches States Project giving circle to benefit Democrats in Pennsylvania (the spiel about what/why is here.)

There are tons of other orgs you can get involved in that have activities ranging from writing postcards to registering people to vote at concerts, but if you want something easy you can do from home, Melissa Walker at the States Project has a simple approach:

“Go through your phone and look for the people who may not be engaged. Pick 3. Hound them charmingly and make sure they vote, including sending them the early voting dates for their state and following up to make sure that they go to the polls. I do this with my college-age cousins because they mean to but then they ‘get busy or whatever.’ Peer to peer get-out-the vote organizing is gold.”

Speaking of Democratic candidates like Kamala Harris, a friend of mine with a blended family texted me a few weeks ago to vent about some of the challenges that come with incorporating a partner and kids into your pre-existing family.

Many years ago I interviewed some witchy stepmoms about their experiences in this very challenging gig. So long ago (2018) I couldn’t find the interview to share with my pal until I returned to my old Wix page. I figured that maybe some other witches out there might find some value in the old issue, which is newly timely since there’s a possibility of having a stepmother in the Oval Office. So I dusted off the old piece but also asked the stepmoms I spoke with if they had any thoughts about their work now a few years behind the original interview.

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You ever think you have it hard, and then you talk to someone who literally got punched in the face at work? (This happens to a friend of mine who works in special ed sometimes.) Behold: Stepmoms. Here’s what I have learned about their particular struggles from: 

A: three stepchildren, ages 10, 13 and 15 when she married their dad in 2011

K: two stepsons, ages 6 and 3 when she married their dad in 2011

C: one stepson, age 8, when she married their dad in 2012, with whom she had subsequent kids

Finding your role

A: “Once I became part of the household, I was like, ‘I’m going to pack lunches! I’m going to do this and that!’ It was this weird self-imposed internal pressure. I don’t know what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I could just shut up and take a back seat and let him parent. I wish I had known that going in.”

Invasion of the space/time-snatchers

A: “The kids would go to their mom’s every other weekend and I would really count on having those weekends with my husband alone. But then sometimes you’d hear, ‘So-and-so wants to have a sleepover with her friend at our house.’ I was like, ‘Wait, no, we had a deal—I’m owed this. Why can’t you tell the kid ‘No? ‘ My husband said, ‘I can’t tell them they can’t come to their home.’ That helped me understand that nobody was trying to take anything away from me—I was kind of collateral damage.”

Having kids with a person who already has kids

C: “My husband felt a lot of guilt about having more children. He didn’t want his son to feel left out. But of course he was going to feel left out: babies are shitty. I was a first time mom and I was a mess. I was sobbing on the floor. You’d think my husband would be helpful having had kids before, but he was terrible. His approach, after we had our first child together, was to have his mom camp out in the front of the house with me. That made me crazy.”

Mom shit without mom perks

K: “Sometimes you’re like, ‘Why do I have to deal with this stuff? I don’t even have kids. I’m just the stepmother.’ You get all the shit and not all of the love. One of the things that keeps you hanging on as a mother is that you birthed this child; you know what this kid has been like since day one.”

C: “Being a stepmom is even more thankless than your own fucking kid. You know on your birthday you get those happy birthday cards that say ‘I love you mommy’ and then they spill their milk and cry and the birthday’s over? I don’t even get the card.” 

The unexpected upsides

K: “You get to see what your spouse is like as a father. That was one of the reasons that made me fall in love my husband.”

A: “I think it increased my tolerance for chaos. ‘Oh, there’s a sock on the coffee table, that’s just called Tuesday.’ It made me a little more unflappable, a little more able to roll with changes that came along.”

Advice for other stepmoms

K: “You have to be respectful and come from a place of love. We’re always working on this. My husband told me, ‘I 100% respect your decisions.’ You have to be a fricking united front.”

A: “Don’t expect anything from your stepkids because they don’t owe you shit. Of course they need to be polite to you, but don’t go into it thinking, ‘I sacrificed so much for this kid, so they should be really nice to me.’ The kids did not invite you into their lives. The kid had no power over this at all.”

C: “Have duplicate sets of everything. It saves a lot of trips, going back and forth. Keep a full kid’s wardrobe at your house. We had our own set of lacrosse sticks.”

A: “The only person who understands is another stepmom. I went to a meetup for stepmoms. The first meeting I went to, I was so excited to be with people who got it, I was shaking. I read every single [book about being a stepmother] and I wouldn’t recommend them. I recommend just asking your friends, “Do you know any step parents?” and try to connect with them in person. And therapy.”

2024 reflections, 6 years after the original interview

K: “It’s tough when one of the parents lacks emotional knowledge and support. It is VERY stressful for a stepmom to take on the emotional struggles and awareness of the kids.

But now that they are older - our relationship is very different. Now that they are in college - and one is out of college - I don’t have to discipline. I think that I am very close to the boys. My role is now one of support. I want them to know that I support them fully and I am here if they want advice. I also want them to constantly hear the I love them/they are loved and that I am very proud of them.”

A: “My stepkids are grown and out of the house now, so daily life is approximately 1000% easier. That said, I have good relationships with them, and I really do love spending time with them when I can. It feels I finally reached the payoff for my years of active, full-time stepmomming, which were pretty intense and difficult.

I love that now I’m out of the active parenting phase and able to take on more of a friend role. I think as young adults, sometimes they feel comfortable telling me things that they might not tell their dad or mom, because I’m not a capital-P Parent. I feel kind of smug about that.

A couple years ago, my stepkids were talking (as 20-somethings) about the moment as kids that they first came to like me. For one, it was when I saw a clothing item I knew they’d LOVE, bought it for them, and surprised them with it after school. For another, it was when her dad was on her back about something, and I told him to leave her alone. I didn’t do either of those things to get them to like me, but I’m glad they worked. Being a stepmom is so hard that it was really nice to know that I had done something right.

When I meet stepmoms now, especially those whose stepkids are still at home, I try to remember to tell them that I am always available to talk about stepmom life/serve as a listening ear. It is just the roughest, most thankless role ever. I tell them they really, really are going to get through it. If any stepmom is reading this and having a hard time, ask Claire to put you in touch with me, and I will do my best to talk you off the ledge. You’re gonna make it.”

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End credits

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In a recent issue, I mentioned “Thank a witch,” where readers talk about advice they’ve gotten from the newsletter and other similarly-brained moms that made their lives better. Here are a few responses:

“The pro tip to spruce up a bagged salad with a whole avocado for a weekday lunch and recognize you are indeed winning in the eat vegetables game.”

“THANK YOU to the witch who recommended not folding underwear. I’ve extended this to toddler clothes — t-shirts, shorts, leggings, and pants just get separate stacks in the drawers now. If I pull a shirt from the middle of the stack and it’s left askew? OH WELL!”

Hell yeah. The revolution is underway. Let me know, in the comments or by replying to this email, if you’d like to thank a witch you learned something from. And smack that “subscribe” button if this is the kind of permission/advice you need in your life.

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One witchy thing

via Wendy Molyneux

1. Do you ever wish you were childfree, if you’re not, just to spite Vance? 🚫 👶 👍 😸 🖕 🖕 🖕