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Wendy's avatar

After a recent incident at my child's middle school that involved the fire department having to come, I did recently give this directive to my child: "Never put your head in a tuba"

I don't think that one will make the permanent rotation of maternal nags though.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

lol! That’s refreshingly pure. I had to say “I guess I just assumed you knew not to put peppers in your nose but I suppose it’s my bad for not telling you that explicitly”

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Paige C's avatar

Unfortunately in my ICE-raid-target town, I had to add "don't answer questions about anyone's whereabouts from any adult you don't know VERY WELL" to my list. "Just walk away and don't be helpful."

I also amended the unwrapped gummy warning as they got older to "and if you DO try them, ONLY ONE. ONE. O N E." (our middle and HS have had several instances of kids housing a whole tin of 'em and then there are ambulances etc.)

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Yeah, kid went to the hospital here after someone gave him a THC gummy without his knowledge. Which is like, why would you waste a gummy like that. And that’s a good and unfortunate point about ICE

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Heather K's avatar

We have a mixed status household so there is a very specific plan in place on what to say and to never ever open the door for any cops or cop like people without an adult.

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Amy's avatar

This. Our neighbor is a cop and I feel slightly bad about this but our kid was never allowed to play inside there (guns in the house obvs). He’s also been drilled in what to say to cops - either nothing or ‘I am a minor and I want to speak to my parents’.

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Sarah Miller's avatar

"I don’t always love being married. It’s nothing against my husband; sometimes I deeply just crave living alone without talking to or seeing or caring for any human, but we all make our choices." 😂😂 Couldn't have said it better myself.

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R Valiquette's avatar

Yes I felt so seen in this statement. Like, would it be so hard to just have a little house in the backyard I could retreat to for a few days every month?

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

my husband works in the garage most of the time but the fatal flaw is that it doesn't have a bathroom or a kitchen so he still frequently comes into the house anyway. curses! (He reads the newsletter--the free one anyway)

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R Valiquette's avatar

I feel like the money spent on adding a bathroom one day would repay itself a million times over in the extra peace for both of you 😜

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Gabri's avatar

Thank you for commenting on that sentence, Sarah! Was about to do it myself!

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Janet's avatar

"has been on a spree of being a dickhead right before dinner lately"

feeling seen

-chained to my pikachu waffle maker

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Katey Rich's avatar

OK here's my one case for this waffle maker: you can make a ton of them at once and stick them in the freezer, and then you have basically Eggos you can reheat in the toaster. If everyone is running around the house and I don't want anyone to talk to me, that is my moment to be chained to the waffle maker. For THEIR sake.

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Janet's avatar

i guess that's right, altho my one ~qualm~ with these little PFAS-coated novelties is the waffles are nveer crispy??? what's up w that

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Katey Rich's avatar

FANTASTIC question. I guess ours get so coated in syrup that nobody ever notices to complain

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Janet's avatar

hahaha truuuuuu

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Ilka's avatar

OMG your list is so similar to mine, my kids are so over me talking about the ways that gambling is taking over American life. I tried so hard to stop ranting during the Super Bowl commercials, but it's hard for me!!!

But as a librarian, the big one for me is talking about misinformation online and how algorithms will lead you down into black holes that seem like fun but are truly despair-inducing (i.e. watching short clips of people falling down for hours is NOT good for the soul, not to freakin mention rampant conspiracy theories and other garbage). I'm pretty sure they tune me out at this point but hopefully it has sunk in in some way.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

I need to do better about that. You'd think as someone online I'd be an expert at jumping in and saying/warning what to watch out for but I almost feel like the opposite.

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Sara's avatar

I teach a research methods course and I have to talk to my COLLEGE STUDENTS about this when they start to talk about things with such authority and when pressed it comes down to "it was something I saw on TikTok."

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

yep of course! at least unlike a bunch of adults they can still blame it on the prefrontal cortex

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Kathryn Barbash, PsyD's avatar

Yes, the misinformation! That's a big one.

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Katey Rich's avatar

My 8 year old has started occasionally walking home from school with his friend, on a very safe neighborhood route, and it's all very sweet! But it occurred to me I really have not given him the "don't talk to strangers" talk and I also haven't made him memorize my phone number (even though he does't have a phone to call me on??) So in the car I've now started trying to force him to recite my phone number in case.... they have to go into a neighbor's house and call me for ... reasons? Because I am not even sure why I'm doing this I am probably guaranteeing that he will never memorize it.

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Kristen's avatar

We changed the iPad password to my cell phone number and the gaming computer password to my husbands. It took about 10 seconds for my son to commit them to deep memory.

Also we switched from "don't talk to strangers" to "adults will never ask children for help" so it's kind of the same but more like don't be scared of everyone but here's a specific society rule no one says out loud.

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Margaret's avatar

This is great framing. We’ve always been big on how no one should ask you to keep a secret (not like your friend who has a crush but more like adults) and a friend of mine framed it like you: “no good grown up will ever need to ask you to keep a secret from your parents.” Like, yes! Grown ups shouldn’t be doing that! If they do, you know they’re being shady!

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Paige C's avatar

That password hack is genius. You win today.

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Heather K's avatar

Bravo!!

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Kathryn Barbash, PsyD's avatar

The password, that is brilliant!

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Kristen can I repost this in a future issue possibly? It is brillz

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Kristen's avatar

Of course!

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

My philosophy is if everybody else in the world has a phone somebody can surely help you call us. Hopefully he’ll hit on a number of someone who knows you

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Kaitlyn Elizabeth's avatar

I just did this for the first time over the weekend—my son is 5 so my window for having these moments is just opening—about what to do if he sees or comes across a gun. I tried to play it cool and not smother him in anxiety but inside I was gasping for air. Also, proud of myself for doing it even still.

And that moment with your husband 🥹 I need to share this story with my own and with friends because it makes such a big difference to just be seen and tended to in those fly by moments.

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Amy's avatar

I will say that Sesame Street is VERY good at introducing a lot of these topics. Daycare also had gun safety topics (I live by Newtown CT, so it’s obvious why this was a hot button issue).

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Julia Smith's avatar

"Don't pick up bird feathers." Just introduced this new one yesterday, at a friend's urging, bc of bird flu :(

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Omg yes! “If you see a dead bird don’t touch it.” “Why?” Cut to “we should go check on the neighbors chickens.” Umm maybe just send them good thoughts…

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MB's avatar

I've been talking to the 17 year old a lot about "second locations." Don't go to a second location from a public place, especially someone's house, without letting me know/clearing it with me. Thank you 30 Rock.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

I just rewatched that episode after watching the Carrie Fisher/Debbie Reynolds doc. Save me, Liz!

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Holly P's avatar

Not me explaining to a pre-teen that Google results aren't good anymore and you have to search the video game issue you're having with "reddit" to get better results

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Todd's avatar

That’s a good list! I’m not sure I was as proactive as I could have been but he seems to have turned out ok (he’s almost 22). Your intro reminded me of the great Joe Flaherty and his bit as the dad on Freaks & Geeks. Every topic at dinner he would say he knew a guy who did that once and you know what happened? He DIED! Great bit.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Man I LOVE the parents on F&G. They were real parents who weren’t just punchlines. I was thinking it might be time to show the boys that show. I really identified with Linda Cardellini on it.

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Katie's avatar

Me too! I have never felt myself so seen in any pop culture product. I related HARD to Lindsey Weir. Too cool for the nerds, too nerdy for the Cools, repulsed by over earnest Nick; pining for uninterested Daniel. Wow. She was a revelation.

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Todd's avatar

I identified very strongly with Sam (I was about that age at the time the show was set) and also Brian Krakow on My So Called Life. Representation matters (even if it’s very cringe)

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Brain!

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SMay's avatar

"Dad are any of your friends alive?"

"The smart ones."

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Elizabeth's avatar

We have tween/teen daughters and when my husband stands up for me (against their attitudes) it not only makes me feel good but it shows them that this is what they should expect in a partner, so good all around.

The current light conversation topic (haha) that my kids are fairly sick of me initiating about is a potential new culture of misogyny. It has been an ongoing conversation since forever in our house since it's the water we're swimming in, but I want them to be prepared to recognize it and maybe call it out instead of internalizing the shame and unfairness. Recently, for instance, a teacher posted an "icebreaker poll" about whether Taylor Swift should be ALLOWED at NFL games and the choices were "no" and "yes because she actually makes them money" (emphasis mine). Everyone picked no but my kid and one other, it was obviously the cool response. My kid said she wanted to say, "Yes, since she is a football fan."

They have grown up in a girl power era, but interestingly, the context of that has been so important. We have all the kind of Mighty Girls type of books, and the thing about those is they speak to why this or that female scientist is being highlighted, which has helped my kids see all the injustices that kept women out of STEM or whatever field. So in many ways, they understand what is happening now as another attempt to hinder women's progress, just like so many from the past.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

Seriously that is so messed up!!! Were they glad Virginia McCaskey died to get that stink of women's team ownership out of the NFL?

I def try to go down the rabbit hole of misogyny and end up so jumbled up. I will warn them about the insidiousness of "bring masculinity back" and somehow end up at the mass rape at the end of WW2 and they're like "Wha?? Can we have a popsicle now?"

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Paige C's avatar

My 17yo son likes to storm off when I get wound up and say "YOU TAKE IT ALL SO SERIOUSLY I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU!" It's really fun and rewarding to be a parent sometimes.

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Heather K's avatar

My 8yo is apparently currently triggered into melt downs by me asking her to get in the shower to start bed time. It is really annoying that i ask her and keep asking her until she does it. And yes. Yes it is! If only there were an easy solution?

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

They know the shower begins the Final Countdown.

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Elizabeth's avatar

Yes I think something bad (misogyny) can be easier to explain than something good (healthy masculinity). I feel like if I had boys I'd need to read books. Or just rely even more on my husband and other positive male role models?! It's actually another cool thing about your husband advocating for you. Role modeling standing up for their mom as healthy masculinity.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

PS I'm sorry that your husband has to run interference for you but it makes me feel less alone when I hear daughters can be assholes to their moms too. I KNOW it happens obviously but it feels very meta with my sons, like I guess this is how they see ALL WOMEN. but maybe they're just jerk kids the way most kids are jerks at EOD.

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Elizabeth's avatar

Oh wow I never thought of that, but I bet I would feel that way too if I had boys! I was SUCH an asshole to my mom (hormones and individuation) so when my kids are jerks to me I half remember being a jerk to my mom and think this is terrible but normal and half feel like M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias, "I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this" and feel all shocked and offended lol.

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John Simpsen's avatar

"Recently, for instance, a teacher posted an "icebreaker poll" about whether Taylor Swift should be ALLOWED at NFL games and the choices were "no" and "yes because she actually makes them money" (emphasis mine)."

Holy shit. That's an insta-email to the principal.

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Elizabeth's avatar

The thing is, the teacher is lovely and one of my kids' favorites. I don't think she understood this was problematic. With older kids I have found myself picking my battles a lot more. When my kids were littler, I didn't trust that they would recognize and call out problematic stuff because they were more spongey. Now that it's my own kid telling me the story and she had a terrific response, that is enough. Instead of contacting the principal, I really should start with the teacher. And I worried that starting with the teacher might not help as it might make her feel shamed, which is not productive (even if I tried really hard to get the tone right). So I just have to be happy my kid got it "right," I think? I hope!

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

good call! It's important that they know you can't control what people do, just how you react to it, and also to try to remember people usually mean well and/or sometimes people who seem mean are possibly just having a really hard time

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J.E.'s avatar

“If someone messages you and claims/blackmails you that they can see you naked it is not true, that’s not how cameras work, and you can tell me about the scammer.”

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

My kid is SO sick of me warning him about the blackmail thing but it's so scary and it really happens!

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Lynx's avatar

Oh yeah, I hammered home that if someone tries to blackmail you, come find us no matter what the blackmail is about. We won't judge and giving in to blackmail only makes it worse.

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Edan Lepucki's avatar

This is giving me a bunch of stuff to worry about! I definitely have said:

-if you see a gun, even if you think it's fake, DO NOT TOUCH IT

-don't send a photo of your dick to anyone

-if an adult tells you that you will get in trouble for not telling me or dad something it's the adult who will be in trouble.

-if you want to drink or smoke weed let's talk about it and make sure you can try it safely--and not for a little while still (my 8th grader knows I will let him try stuff after sophomore year if he gets straight A's...ever since he saw Dazed and Confused with my husband he has been dying to try weed lol)

-Fentanyl is now snuck into other drugs. Experimenting (alas) can now kill you

-Sex is supposed to feel good and be fun for all parties. You need to give and ask for consent.

-

Also, my thirteen year old's English teacher told me that he was trying to teach the class what an interrogative sentence was, so he was teasing it out from the word "interrogating." He asked, "What does it mean if the police want to interrogate you?" and my son yelled out, "DON'T SAY ANYTHING WITHOUT A LAWYER PRESENT." I was very proud my lesson sank in!

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

You are a great mom!

Man I love Dazed and Confused. It was wild to see “Thelma” last year and see Parker Posey portray a sandwich generation mom when she’ll always be the hottest bully telling a bunch of little bitches to get on the ground

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Kathryn Barbash, PsyD's avatar

I rant a lot about marketing and pointing out product placements and companies trying to manipulate you to be interested in a product. Misinformation is another thing. I also previously worked as a psychologist in pediatric plastic surgery, so I also talk about accidents with machinery like lawnmowers and dog bites. My dad was an attorney and when I was a kid he also lectured us on things from cases he or his friends were working on. Escalator safety was big when I was a kid.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

same with advertising. I point out especially in casino ads (full disclosure I used to do advertising for a casino)--who is NOT there? Old people. People with disabilities. Tired people. Sad people. Conventionally unattractive people. Or the ads where it makes it seem like it's super fun and dynamic to bet on sports "with your friends" when you're just pushing buttons. Pay attention to what they're selling you.

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Stephanie Gilman's avatar

Yes, product placement! My 5 YO is obsessed with Ninja Kidz and I keep screaming over his shoulder, "They're just trying to sell you things! They're being paid to play with that stuff!" I'm great fun to have around.

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Amy's avatar

I drive my kid to school a few times a week and the car time is great for these kinds of conversations!

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Heather K's avatar

I definitely ended up in a conversation where I explained intercourse to my 8yo last month.

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Claire Zulkey's avatar

good! Never too early to scare them with how gross it is ;) I told my kid about how Michael McDonald got a girl pregnant at 13 and he was like “….how?” He knows WHAT sex is but he couldn’t envision it. Thank god!

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Heather K's avatar

Thank god! My approach was very simple and as if I was being deposed so only answer exactly what was asked of me and nothing more.

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Mia's avatar

YES! "Now that I have you trapped in the car..."

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