Second time around
My google doc on this was titled "Baby #2 non-dread"
An expecting witch wrote to me:
I've just been doing doula interviews for a scheduled cesarean in September, and going through that process made it clear how much of my birth trauma for my first came from all of the bullshit expectations around birth! I knew this rationally, but interviewing some folks who started talking about the "precious first hour" and things along those lines was so disproportionately upsetting. I want my baby and I to survive the birth, and ideally I would like to not be retraumatized.
I would love some witchy advice from your wonderful sources on emotionally preparing for birth in a way that honors maintaining some sense of autonomy/humanity (the hill to die on!), leaves space for the possibility of positivity/excitement, while taking off the pressure of expecting any kind of "magical" or profound experience. I would like to not assume that things will be negative, while also trying to not add pressure for them to go well. Feels like an entirely different beast!
This question is a good challenge to consider on the flip side of the issue on induction—if so many of us had bad first births, if you do decide to/are able to do it again, how the hell are you supposed to go into it without fear and dread? Let’s be real: giving birth is not, even under the best of circumstances, a relaxing and fun thing. But also, we know that anxiety and fear can make it worse. So what’s a pregnant person (who is by now also chasing down a firstborn or more) to do to get her head straight? I asked witches in last week’s paid subscriber issue, and they stepped up with some amazing redemptive 2nd birth tales.
If you have advice for this witch as well, please feel free to drop it in the comments!
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Knowledge is power. For my second birth, instead of running directly to triage before my induction, I stopped and had a lunch I felt good about. I bought a big bag of mags and tabloids, which was good because I was there for like nine hours before I was admitted to L&D. Once they started to induce me, I could say this time to the doctor, “The last time they put the balloon in was really stressful for me,” to which she replied, “We could give you Dilaudid for that,” which led to some of the more blissful minutes of my life. I felt emboldened to tell the staff to stop giving me updates on the baby’s health unless he was in real trouble and I could do anything about it (otherwise, sorry, I wanted to focus on my own health and comfort.) When my OB was about to sew me up, I told her how much it hurt when the doc raw dogged it the last time, and she told me to give my epidural one extra click before she got to stitching. It made such a huge difference.
Key: the baby was born to someone who was already a mother! He came out crying, and I made some kind of comment like, “Oh no, he’s so mad!” yet he quieted down the second I held him (he’s still a big cuddler to this day when he’s in the mood.) I was experienced enough to ask for a sleeping pill that night and to send the baby to the nursery so I could get some sleep because I knew what awaited when we’d get home. I think simply piercing the veil of the mystery of giving birth the first time, even spending a few nights in the hospital, does a lot to strengthen you for the future.
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My first pregnancy ended in a 36-hour labor with a failed epidural (so they treated me like I was a wimp, when in fact, the epidural was in the wrong place, making my butt numb but doing nothing for like, where the contractions were happening), followed by a rapid decline in the baby's heartbeat necessitating a C-section WITH NO ANESTHESIA because again, they just pumped more meds into the misplaced epidural catheter so again, super numb butt but felt ALL THE THINGS. But they didn't believe me, so I yelled at them that I could feel the scalpel slicing me open, but they told me, "No, you just feel a little pressure."
Finally, ONCE THE BABY WAS OUT AND I'D FELT ALL OF IT and somehow didn't pass out, the chief anesthesiologist came barging in from another OR and screamed at the resident anesthesiologist that he'd clearly done it wrong. "I can hear her screaming down the hall, you fucking moron, knock her out: this is inhumane!" and then they put a thing over my mouth, and I was thankfully out while they sewed me back up. I was pissed though, because when I woke up, they'd already fed the baby because she was big. They thought she was a diabetes baby and would have blood sugar issues, but instead, big babies just run in our family—she was 9 lbs 12 oz, so there was no way she was going to have come out the ol' hoo-ha to begin with. Thanks for that unnecessary 36 hours of labor, assholes.
My then-husband was so checked out during this process, and I found out two weeks later, while still recovering from surgery and up all night doing feedings, that he was an addict, and I did all the stuff to check him into rehab etc etc. We eventually divorced about four years later when he cheated on me.
So, needless to say, when I got divorced and then remarried, it took some real bravery for me to even think about having another kid (they ended up being eight years apart).
I was TERRIFIED of any part of that bad first experience happening again. So I talked about it to my ob-gyn and anyone else who would listen, and my ob kindly set me up to have a pre-meeting with the anesthesiologist, and we decided it would be best to have a scheduled C-section so the experience would have fewer variables and be more controlled and calm, and they would know about my former experience and not even start cutting until I CONFIRMED that I was numb as hell. This all worked really well, and honestly, by comparison, THAT birth was more like a trip to a spa than a childbirth experience. When they put my epidural in, this very cuddly, warm, grandma-type nurse pulled me into her bosom to lean me forward and hugged me while it went in, and I felt my legs fill up with warm coffee. Everyone was super kind because they'd been told what happened the first time. The doc talked me through every step and got my consent before each next step. It was so lovely. I was so freaking happy the entire time, and you know what's the best part? This experience—with also an involved and loving husband who was PRESENT mentally and physically for every part of it—totally negated the bad mojo from the first birth and healed me, in a way, from the trauma of that experience. I stopped having PTSD nightmares about it once the second child was born.
So, in summary, my advice is to be totally transparent with your medical team about what happened in the past! They will advocate for you! You're gonna do great!
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Had a traumatic first birth and then hired a doula for my second, and it was absolutely life-changing. (And yes, it cost a lot of money, so I realize this isn't advice that's available to everyone, but I would recommend it to anyone who can afford it or find someone who takes sliding scale payments). I would have worked with our doula even if I had a scheduled C-section. She supported me before the birth (checking in after OB visits, birth education, and emotional support), during the birth, and also afterward. Several hours after, brought us dinner because the hospital kitchen was closed, checked in the next day, and came to our house a week later to process the birth.
I'm a huge introvert and didn't hire a doula the first time because I thought I would only want my wife in the L&D room. Turns out, having someone present throughout the pregnancy and birth who *actually knew what they were doing* was hugely supportive to both of us. And she helped me process my fears about birth before (and during, and after) my second one. It made a huge difference. Even the second time around, my wife (who is A GREAT BIRTH PARTNER, seriously) was like, "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm so glad we hired someone who does."
Also the doula also gave us a (short!) birth plan template that was *much* better than the hospital one because it allowed us to specify things like: 'medical staff can talk to my wife about my care directly; please don't talk to me in labor because I will be actively ignoring you!' and 'Nursing staff, please give us a ton of space after the baby is born; we'll page if we need something.' I didn't know how to manage all the people at the hospital well the first time and felt a lot of pressure to do what I was told without questioning. Knowing what to ask for the second time made a huge difference. (We also got lucky because everyone at the hospital read the birth plan and followed it, which was awesome.)
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Had a horrible first birth and a fine second birth. I think for me, it was just all about preparing with my doctor. I explained what had happened the first time and the situation I wanted to avoid and made a plan. I had an unplanned induction at 42 weeks the first time and a planned induction the second time at 39 weeks. One of my issues was a hemorrhage, so they planned ahead by having blood ready to go and medicine for blood clotting and so on. So I felt very managed around those issues, and because it was a planned induction, my actual doctor was the one who attended the delivery. I think explaining your concerns, possible outcomes, and how to mitigate helped a lot. I also made sure I had lots of support mentally/physically and kept my expectations low, which was helpful too. Good luck!
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First kid was an emergency C-section after four days of contractions that refused to get closer, then long labor where baby was going into distress and not progressing at all. They had loaded me up with two bags of IV fluid before doing the epidural, so I was freezing. Because of the timing, we got stuck with some random OB (not even one from my practice, so I’d never met this dude before), which was…not ideal. I remember him giving me a cervix check at one point and nearly punching the fucker in the face; he had no bedside manner.
The surgery was terrifying. I was so cold because of all the fluids they pumped me with, felt like I was lying there forever and my husband was missing, etc etc. Baby had shit in his lungs from the labor, so he didn’t cry right away - TERRIFYING. Not a great experience but baby was healthy after suction and recovery was fine, if not emotionally scarring. I also remember being SO SWOLLEN after - I swear from my thigh down to my ankle was one straight tree trunk, and it lasted for over a week. I couldn’t even put on shoes. Plus it was my first kid, and the nursing staff was so EXTRA. I had one nurse who made me cry (she shamed me about using a pacifier, but also found out later she also regaled my husband with stories about how he needs to man up because she left her husband after her child was born and it’ll happen to him), another was just too in my face about a nipple shield at 3 am…just overall a difficult experience.
My kids are 14 months apart, so the doc strongly recommended a C-section as there’s not enough time for the uterus to fully recover, plus the issues that led to the first would be likely to happen again.
We scheduled a date and time, had the evening before to prepare ourselves as much as possible, take an actual shower, and try to “relax” (HAHAHA). We went to the hospital in the morning, no stress, easy check-in. The worst part of the entire thing was the nurse couldn’t get in the IV, so I ended up with a bruised hand. I remember going into the OR, and the entire staff was chill AF. They were playing nice calm music, having casual conversations with me about names and everything else. I even had my preferred OB. No rush, no drama. It was so nice!!! They even popped the kid over the curtain screaming just out of the womb and laughingly said, “HELLO!” which was a much better greeting than stressed nurses trying to get your kid to breathe.
Plus, since they had the proper time to get me ready with an epidural, I had no swelling like the first time, no shivers during surgery, nada. Also, a major win was that the baby was born on a holiday, so we had the second string staff, and everyone was super relaxed, which made the whole hospital stay 1000x better. My recovery was super fast, and they fixed the scar from the first go round, woohoo!
Long story short - the first birth with emergency C-section was awful, second birth with a planned C-section was a delight. 10/10 would recommend. Best of luck in your child-rearing, fellow witch!
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I had a traumatic experience with my first baby (sunny side up, back labor, it took over 50 hours, the placenta wouldn't come out on its own). When I learned I was pregnant again, I was elated - and also freaked out. I did my best to reframe what I could and adjust what I couldn't. For example, I borrowed a friend’s copy of Hypnobirthing to get a different perspective on labor. I didn't like most of it, but I glommed on to several meditations (you can find them online, too). I did a lot of positive visualization, mentally running through the entire labor process. I ended up having another traumatic time with my second baby for different reasons (preeclampsia, ugh), but that meant I had an induction and a modicum of control over when and how I went into labor. It helped a lot! I played my favorite calming music, I did my meditations whenever I noticed myself starting to get overwhelmed, and it went better.
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I had a traumatic first birth with my son, ending in a very prolonged, scary C-section that left me unable to ever give birth vaginally due to the increased risk of scar tissue rupture from my atypical C-section procedure. I knew I wanted another child but I was DEEPLY dreading another delivery and postpartum recovery.
For my daughter three years later, I had a scheduled C-section, and believe me when I say it was like NIGHT AND DAY. When the very sweet nurse finished prepping me and said, "OK! do you want to walk to the OR now?" I was like — walk to the OR? You mean instead of being wheeled through the halls crying and barfing??! The whole thing was so, so different. The energy of the OR was downright chipper versus the grim, crowded intensity of my prior delivery. Everyone in the OR was like, low-key excited/happy to be there, doing a non-rushed, extremely routine, kind of FUN surgery when you think about it! Everything was explained to me really calmly since there was no rush. I felt heard, accommodated and like I was the star of an important event rather than the terrified host of a birth gone awry. Someone immediately said, "What a cute baby!" when they started pulling my daughter out. Everything moved at a calm, reassuring pace. I did skin-to-skin while they quickly sewed me back up; my husband took photos; I got to coo sweet things at my baby rather than just crumple into exhausted tears. IT. WAS. AWESOME.
My postpartum recovery was also like 10x better. First birth it felt like I was hit by a truck. At the time, I couldn't believe I was allowed, medically, to go home on the third day. Had to be wheeled out, and almost cried in the lobby. Second birth, my husband and I were up bright and early the second day, asking to get all our paperwork done early so that we could get home. Honestly, it was incredibly healing. I'm not scared at all of another delivery.
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One witchy thing
Text from a friend:
I understand that the doctors and nurses see births all day everyday, but for all three of my births, I was told "there was no way you need to push" and was in fact ready to push each time. My first birth, a nurse actually laughed at me when I said I felt like I needed to push. I told her I was either going to push here or she could call my doctor. My water broke at home and less than 2 hours later, my son was born. My second birth was awful and traumatic. First 2 births -- no epidural because they moved too quickly. With my 3rd, I made sure to get an epidural before they broke my water. All was well, they came in and checked, I was 8cm. 10 minutes later, I told my husband to get the nurse because I could feel the baby moving down and I needed to push. She came in, laughed at me, checked, and boom. Was ready to push.
My advice in all this, TRUST YOURSELF. You know your body better than they do. Guess who got the last laugh and got to say, "I told ya so" to the nurses. Felt good.
The biggest commonality in my two birth experiences has been that in both instances I let feelings of inadequacy rule. Both were what I would call “neutral,” not as bad and traumatic as some that I’ve read here, but also distinctly not euphoric and wonderful.
My first was 55 hour back labor with a doula that didn’t believe I was actually in labor and fell asleep on my couch with period cramps while I contracted alone in my bathtub. When I requested we go to the hospital 30 hours into labor, she advised we leave our car seat at home as they would likely not admit us. She was shocked when I was 6cm dilated.
My second birth, last summer, I attempted to try another doula and this one was worlds better but very focused on not using epidurals. I know and don’t know why I was so intent on trying to avoid pain medication this time. The pain was such that I couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to see if I could get to the other side. I couldn’t get my head above water, the contractions were so relentless. I asked for the epidural and cried because I had failed, yet again. Failed to do something other people can manage with a pool in their living room. I was sure in that moment that the doula and my husband were disappointed in my inability to handle it. As the baby was whisked off to the NICU and my husband went home to care for our sick toddler, I spent two days in a room alone listening to other babies cry and hobbling to the NICU to hold my son in an uncomfortable chair for as long as I could stand it.
I wish now that I had skipped the doula, gotten the epidural as early as possible and used the funds for better postpartum care managing two little ones at home as both of my sons had freak things happen that put them in the ER in their first month. Even with therapy, I still can’t reconcile how other women I know just “pop” babies out and I cannot do that. I wonder if I ever will be able to “get over it.”