Claire, this is fantastic. I'm laughing so hard a coworker checked on me.
We're starting to plan a kitchen remodel and have met with two different male, child-free contractors. Both have responded to requests with, "Well, that's not really in style. But it's your kitchen..."
It's great to know what's in style now so that we can look forward to five years from now being like lollll remember when we were all open concept and kitchen island and statement lighting? What rubes we were!!!
can i just yell an AMEN to hatred of the open concept kitchen?? i want to be in my kitchen doing my thing, listening to MY music...get the hell out everyone!! instead, stupid open concept kitchen, i am inundated by everyone’s noise and the TV and if ONE more male comes in and turns off my Taylor Swift while i am cooking THEM dinner....well, heads are going to roll
Yes! It's a nightmare--and not one of my own design. We bought this house a year ago and I'm going to have barn doors installed when we finally renovate so that I can enclose my space when I need it most.
thank you, yes! we had our hardwood floors refinished, and one day my contractor's wife SHOWED UP at my front door to take me through my own house and explain that I should really bleach the wood because "white hardwood is really in style rn." Well F that. I want old-school honey colored wood, TYVM!
We interviewed 4 contractors before hiring our current one. He was the only one who spoke to ME and didn't ask if I needed my husband to make a final decision. Infuriating but apparently super common!
I have redone 3.5 bathrooms and a mudroom without a designer in our antique home over the years. The #1 thing I design for is durability and #2 is storage. Our builder has heard my rants about bathrooms without towel bars/hooks for years now. If there is a spare foot of space it will be used for storage. He also stopped questioning the destructive power of young boys after the first year. My favorite story is that our half bath had so much water damage to the (newly painted!) walls in one year that the Sheetrock and tile guys asked if I was bathing the dog in there. No, that was just the closest bathroom to the backyard and the kids filled up water guns/water bottles and apparently thought it was a wet room. We now tile all bathroom walls at least 3/4 of the way up. 🤦♀️
We put a farmhouse sink in my son's bathroom which is amazing for containing most (not all, but a solid 80%) of the water play without ruining the cabinet underneath. I swear children are all part sea creature.
that same issue I was riffing on had a suggestion to turn a random space into a toddler's costume closet which should be a great and adorable solution for about... 2 years?
I love the "Fume Room" ... the delightful antechamber for the hostess to have angst at her husband. 😂 It's the new Panic Room. Lordy, the SNL sketch practically writes itself, lol...
So one, this is HILARIOUS, and all the more so because of the accuracy. I am HOWLING. And two, oh god, I really needed to hear that it was not my own unique failing that our huge, gorgeous, antique dining table is constantly covered in everyone's stuff 😅
I for real need the decoy cabinets in my kitchen though.
We got a beautiful new kitchen table last year and now it is imprinted with cuneiform marks from children pressing down HARD on their writing without using a pad underneath and I might have said something passive aggressive like "No no, it's *my* fault for thinking we should have nice things before the kids go to college."
We bought a super cheap couch when my oldest was 2 in hopes that it would last long enough that we could buy a real couch by the time they were old enough to not destroy it. Whelp NO. The cheap couch frame cracked this year, so we were forced to replace it. We got a real couch, but turns out that 2 year old is now 12 and has adhd which manifests as lots of spilled drinks and not being careful with food. I’m not about to ban eating on the couch so that is why we now have a nice couch that is covered in all the old quilts we own. The 12 year who is the messy one and the reason the couch is covered has requested for a “special Christmas treat” that we uncover the couch!
😂😂😂😂😂💯💯💯💯 This!!! Who are these people?! I love your selections. 😂😂🤦♀️
We are renovating our house right now so it feels so prescient. Our master bath (which is new and my husband keeps saying is going to be the best thing ever bc it won’t be covered in kids’ toothpaste and loogies and their clothes) has a door to the toilet part and we keep debating if it’s the poo room or the shit box or the throne room or…. - my tasteful suggestion of “water closet” was shot down immediately. 😂 We ARE putting a tiny chandelier in our tiny powder room (also new - this is basically just an adding-bathrooms remodel) so at least it’s fance while you poo there. 😂💩🎩
full disclosure when we bought our house the powder room came with a tiny chandelier. Meanwhile I am asking for a new toilet seat for Xmas because that one is so torn up I'm amazed I let anyone in there. Also we refer to the claw footed tub in the primary bath as the "turkey bath" because before any human bathed in it I used it to defrost a turkey in a panic the first Thanksgiving I hosted here. Hearth and home!!
I highly recommend a bidet if you can, it is hands down our favorite thing we added in our bathroom reno, #2 is the heated floors for the New England winters.
my husband is thinking about getting our child a bidet for Xmas because he was admiring them at Menard's this weekend. Trying hard to think of every angle this can backfire.
My now almost 7 yo locked himself into the bathroom when he was 2, turned the bidet on when he was standing there, and the bathroom flooded! I still remember trying to coach him through the door to turn it off by hitting it back down, and I think he turned it off before we got him out. My husband was gone watching Duke/UNC basketball game at a friends house over an hour away, I had to call his dad to come help me pry the door open bc it had a deadbolt on it. Here almost 5 years later it is nice that both my kids use the bidet and I understand toilet paper is not a normal part of Iranian culture on my husband’s side but it pretty spectacularly backfired on me that night!
this is good to know. If my husband can barely get the kids to remember to lift the toilet seat when they pee I'm not sure that adding more ways to get water around the toilet is going to solve anyone's problems.
OMG, that is a story to save up for Mommy embarrassment revenge later in life. When we moved into our current house, built in 1940 with original interior doorknobs, I could not for the life of me figure out how to unlock the bathroom and bedroom doors from the outside. When we had a locksmith over for another issue, I asked him how to do it. Answer: "I guess this was before anyone thought of needing to unlock the doors from outside. [Seriously, humanity?] You can't do it. " He added "I come for free if a kid locks themselves into a room." I still have his phone number.
My then 2yr old also locked himself in the bathroom! Our locksmith talked me through how to pop the lock and we now have lock picks handy for emergencies. Kids man 🤦♀️
Kids! Pretty sure "toddler locked themselves in the bathroom" is pretty common everywhere with bathroom locks.
We have one screwdriver that fits in the bathroom doorknob to unlock it from the outside. It lives on a little shelf above the bathroom door. We went through a phase where it got used three times a week.
I thought this for sure would lead to disaster. I made the decision to install a bidet in the main bathroom rather than the primary bathroom because I want to encourage my husband to not poop in what I think of as "my bathroom." Our almost 7 year old son loves not having to wipe his butt--maybe a sensory issue for him--and LOVES the bidet seat. We just got one that didn't require electric or hot water hookup, but when we redo the primary bathroom I'm 100% getting a heated bidet.
Both our bathrooms have them but the kids are too scared to use them! It's worth it just to see their faces when they do try, though (...or do other people's kids shut the bathroom door?)
Coming here to say exactly this. And to join everyone who's saying: Claire, this is is a superlative installment!!! Also, I regret recycling my back issues of Domino, which I read religiously despite being full of this sort of stuff plus its undisguised contempt by the end for its readers, especially those who were looking for sofas under $7,000.
This seems aggressive that you would write this about MY HOUSE, down to the chandelier in the shitter (it seemed like a good idea at the time) and the animal barf that someone half eats.
But I am considering some animal print wallpaper in the closet where I stuff things...
I personally installed lightning bolt decals in our tiny closet that is good only for storing old pandemic masks and sports cleats to forget about until the kids grow out of them.
As someone who drools over those rooms and yet has a family that leaves trails of shoes, sweaters, water bottles and cracker crumbs, plus a cat so vomits at will (a dog, too, but she just leaves toys about and sometimes eats the cracker crumbs),I have NEVER felt so seen! Brava!
“The rugs are washable for the three times per day the dog vomits and eats up some of his own vomit but not all of it.” This is really the only description that would make me pay designer rug prices!
right to me as I type is our special basket full of old towels for just this purpose. For REALLLLLY special occasions like Christmas we sometimes remember to hide it.
I write about interiors for a living and this is 10/10, no notes.
the phrase "jewel box" is like Waldo. He's in every issue
Claire this may be your finest work. I can't stop laughing.
Claire, this is fantastic. I'm laughing so hard a coworker checked on me.
We're starting to plan a kitchen remodel and have met with two different male, child-free contractors. Both have responded to requests with, "Well, that's not really in style. But it's your kitchen..."
Damn right, it is.
It's great to know what's in style now so that we can look forward to five years from now being like lollll remember when we were all open concept and kitchen island and statement lighting? What rubes we were!!!
can i just yell an AMEN to hatred of the open concept kitchen?? i want to be in my kitchen doing my thing, listening to MY music...get the hell out everyone!! instead, stupid open concept kitchen, i am inundated by everyone’s noise and the TV and if ONE more male comes in and turns off my Taylor Swift while i am cooking THEM dinner....well, heads are going to roll
Yessss. Get out of my kitchen!!
Yes! It's a nightmare--and not one of my own design. We bought this house a year ago and I'm going to have barn doors installed when we finally renovate so that I can enclose my space when I need it most.
thank you, yes! we had our hardwood floors refinished, and one day my contractor's wife SHOWED UP at my front door to take me through my own house and explain that I should really bleach the wood because "white hardwood is really in style rn." Well F that. I want old-school honey colored wood, TYVM!
that is hilarious!
I know. True story! Haha. Love your writing, Claire!!
Yassss! Kitchens do not belong in the living room.
We interviewed 4 contractors before hiring our current one. He was the only one who spoke to ME and didn't ask if I needed my husband to make a final decision. Infuriating but apparently super common!
same. my students think I've lost it.
I have redone 3.5 bathrooms and a mudroom without a designer in our antique home over the years. The #1 thing I design for is durability and #2 is storage. Our builder has heard my rants about bathrooms without towel bars/hooks for years now. If there is a spare foot of space it will be used for storage. He also stopped questioning the destructive power of young boys after the first year. My favorite story is that our half bath had so much water damage to the (newly painted!) walls in one year that the Sheetrock and tile guys asked if I was bathing the dog in there. No, that was just the closest bathroom to the backyard and the kids filled up water guns/water bottles and apparently thought it was a wet room. We now tile all bathroom walls at least 3/4 of the way up. 🤦♀️
I was thinking they should just put sod down in kids' bathrooms and let the grass be watered every bathtime.
We put a farmhouse sink in my son's bathroom which is amazing for containing most (not all, but a solid 80%) of the water play without ruining the cabinet underneath. I swear children are all part sea creature.
Do they make a like, farmhouse bathtub or shower? Because somehow when my oldest child showers, the entire bathroom floor is sopping wet. Every time.
stopppppp dyingggg
that same issue I was riffing on had a suggestion to turn a random space into a toddler's costume closet which should be a great and adorable solution for about... 2 years?
My mom did this in her house and my children visited exactly one time before they were too old to be intrigued by my old Barbies.
Ours was a cardboard box in the basement (that sometimes had spiders in it, too). I feel cheated now, having learned about a costume closet...
I love the "Fume Room" ... the delightful antechamber for the hostess to have angst at her husband. 😂 It's the new Panic Room. Lordy, the SNL sketch practically writes itself, lol...
I’m crying. Please take the rest of the week off. You slayed. 👏
This is like the nicest thing anyone can say.
So true. She really did.
Every time I see a ridiculous bar cart, I am reminded that fancy alcoholism is still alcoholism
they never address dealing with the smell of old beer in the morning.
This is brilliant. I needed this laugh this morning. I would like to offer up the first pledge so that you can launch a home decor magazine please.
So one, this is HILARIOUS, and all the more so because of the accuracy. I am HOWLING. And two, oh god, I really needed to hear that it was not my own unique failing that our huge, gorgeous, antique dining table is constantly covered in everyone's stuff 😅
I for real need the decoy cabinets in my kitchen though.
We got a beautiful new kitchen table last year and now it is imprinted with cuneiform marks from children pressing down HARD on their writing without using a pad underneath and I might have said something passive aggressive like "No no, it's *my* fault for thinking we should have nice things before the kids go to college."
hahaha cuneiform- excellent use of that!
We bought a super cheap couch when my oldest was 2 in hopes that it would last long enough that we could buy a real couch by the time they were old enough to not destroy it. Whelp NO. The cheap couch frame cracked this year, so we were forced to replace it. We got a real couch, but turns out that 2 year old is now 12 and has adhd which manifests as lots of spilled drinks and not being careful with food. I’m not about to ban eating on the couch so that is why we now have a nice couch that is covered in all the old quilts we own. The 12 year who is the messy one and the reason the couch is covered has requested for a “special Christmas treat” that we uncover the couch!
😂😂😂😂😂💯💯💯💯 This!!! Who are these people?! I love your selections. 😂😂🤦♀️
We are renovating our house right now so it feels so prescient. Our master bath (which is new and my husband keeps saying is going to be the best thing ever bc it won’t be covered in kids’ toothpaste and loogies and their clothes) has a door to the toilet part and we keep debating if it’s the poo room or the shit box or the throne room or…. - my tasteful suggestion of “water closet” was shot down immediately. 😂 We ARE putting a tiny chandelier in our tiny powder room (also new - this is basically just an adding-bathrooms remodel) so at least it’s fance while you poo there. 😂💩🎩
full disclosure when we bought our house the powder room came with a tiny chandelier. Meanwhile I am asking for a new toilet seat for Xmas because that one is so torn up I'm amazed I let anyone in there. Also we refer to the claw footed tub in the primary bath as the "turkey bath" because before any human bathed in it I used it to defrost a turkey in a panic the first Thanksgiving I hosted here. Hearth and home!!
I highly recommend a bidet if you can, it is hands down our favorite thing we added in our bathroom reno, #2 is the heated floors for the New England winters.
my husband is thinking about getting our child a bidet for Xmas because he was admiring them at Menard's this weekend. Trying hard to think of every angle this can backfire.
My now almost 7 yo locked himself into the bathroom when he was 2, turned the bidet on when he was standing there, and the bathroom flooded! I still remember trying to coach him through the door to turn it off by hitting it back down, and I think he turned it off before we got him out. My husband was gone watching Duke/UNC basketball game at a friends house over an hour away, I had to call his dad to come help me pry the door open bc it had a deadbolt on it. Here almost 5 years later it is nice that both my kids use the bidet and I understand toilet paper is not a normal part of Iranian culture on my husband’s side but it pretty spectacularly backfired on me that night!
this is good to know. If my husband can barely get the kids to remember to lift the toilet seat when they pee I'm not sure that adding more ways to get water around the toilet is going to solve anyone's problems.
OMG, that is a story to save up for Mommy embarrassment revenge later in life. When we moved into our current house, built in 1940 with original interior doorknobs, I could not for the life of me figure out how to unlock the bathroom and bedroom doors from the outside. When we had a locksmith over for another issue, I asked him how to do it. Answer: "I guess this was before anyone thought of needing to unlock the doors from outside. [Seriously, humanity?] You can't do it. " He added "I come for free if a kid locks themselves into a room." I still have his phone number.
My house was built in 1938, it was fairly heavily renovated in the early 80s but we had all the original doors!
My then 2yr old also locked himself in the bathroom! Our locksmith talked me through how to pop the lock and we now have lock picks handy for emergencies. Kids man 🤦♀️
Kids! Pretty sure "toddler locked themselves in the bathroom" is pretty common everywhere with bathroom locks.
We have one screwdriver that fits in the bathroom doorknob to unlock it from the outside. It lives on a little shelf above the bathroom door. We went through a phase where it got used three times a week.
You can also put a slim one on the frame on top of the door. Always need to have these handy!
OMG Elizabeth!!! :))) Toooo funny. Glad he was OK!
...backfire, indeed.
took me a second.
🤣 🍑
They don't sense if there is a bottom above them before turning on. If they're turned on 'just to try' water goes everywhere. As me how I know 🤦♀️
Definitely need one that you turn on yourself for this reason!
lol
This made me laugh so hard I cried thank you.
I thought this for sure would lead to disaster. I made the decision to install a bidet in the main bathroom rather than the primary bathroom because I want to encourage my husband to not poop in what I think of as "my bathroom." Our almost 7 year old son loves not having to wipe his butt--maybe a sensory issue for him--and LOVES the bidet seat. We just got one that didn't require electric or hot water hookup, but when we redo the primary bathroom I'm 100% getting a heated bidet.
Both our bathrooms have them but the kids are too scared to use them! It's worth it just to see their faces when they do try, though (...or do other people's kids shut the bathroom door?)
My kids started using them around 4ish! They were scared for a while.
This is why every millennial white woman on the internet died at Catherine Newman's house tour. It looks like a REAL PERSON lives there!!!!!!!!!!!!
Calligraffiti WHAT
Coming here to say exactly this. And to join everyone who's saying: Claire, this is is a superlative installment!!! Also, I regret recycling my back issues of Domino, which I read religiously despite being full of this sort of stuff plus its undisguised contempt by the end for its readers, especially those who were looking for sofas under $7,000.
I love everything about this! Thanks for the laughs!
This seems aggressive that you would write this about MY HOUSE, down to the chandelier in the shitter (it seemed like a good idea at the time) and the animal barf that someone half eats.
But I am considering some animal print wallpaper in the closet where I stuff things...
I personally installed lightning bolt decals in our tiny closet that is good only for storing old pandemic masks and sports cleats to forget about until the kids grow out of them.
Love that! Hmm maybe Live Laugh Love?
As someone who drools over those rooms and yet has a family that leaves trails of shoes, sweaters, water bottles and cracker crumbs, plus a cat so vomits at will (a dog, too, but she just leaves toys about and sometimes eats the cracker crumbs),I have NEVER felt so seen! Brava!
“The rugs are washable for the three times per day the dog vomits and eats up some of his own vomit but not all of it.” This is really the only description that would make me pay designer rug prices!
right to me as I type is our special basket full of old towels for just this purpose. For REALLLLLY special occasions like Christmas we sometimes remember to hide it.
I can't find so many things after having people over last week. Under which pile in which closet will they someday be uncovered?